Loving More Member’s Community Connections

Posted in Loving More Updates, Polyamory, Relationships on February 4th, 2010 by admin – Be the first to comment
Loving More Community Connections

Loving More Community Connections


Loving More is opening up the member are of Loving More Community Connections to the Poly Community for the month of February.  This is our way of saying Happy Valentines to all of you.
We will be announcing several scheduled hosted chats by well known poly people.  We will also be adding video content for people to learn and enjoy.

For many years Loving More members asked for Loving More personals and we launched this site spring 2009.  It is in Beta test and we need to do some refining.   The community is more than a personals but a place to chat, learn and make friends.  The Community Connections was designed to give members an opportunity to meet others in a space dedicated to polyamorous people and relationships.

Watch for Announcement of Hosted 3D Chats

Watch for Announcement of Hosted 3D Chats

It is our hope to foster a place for people in the poly community to connect with others from across the country and the world.

We invite you to join us and watch for the chat annoucements.

Check It Out Here

Polyamorists Announce Court Application

Posted in Legal Issues, Polyamory on February 2nd, 2010 by admin – Be the first to comment
Supreme Court of Canada

Supreme Court of Canada

This is an important issue for all of us.  The press release was sent to us from  Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association (CPAA).  You can see the original click here.

VANCOUVER — January 28, 2010 — Members of Canada’s polyamory community have applied to become an intervener in the B.C. government’s challenge of section 293 of the Criminal Code of Canada — Canada’s anti-polygamy law. The application, filed in BC Supreme Court yesterday, is on behalf of the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association (CPAA).

Polyamory, sometimes referred to as responsible or ethical non-monogamy, is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the consent of everyone involved. Section 293 forbids both polygamy and any kind of conjugal union with more than one person at the same time and as such infringes on people’s ability to practice polyamory if the relationships involve cohabitation.

“We believe that people should be free to practice polyamory free of any criminal liability, and that the Charter of Rights gives Canadians such freedom,” said CPAA legal counsel, John Ince.

It is not appropriate for a law which prohibits loving, committed, consensual relationships to remain on the books, even if it not presently being enforced,” Ince continued.

Newsweek Magazine recently reported that polyamory is a thriving phenomenon in the United States, with over half a million families openly living in relationships that are between multiple consenting partners.1 Polyamory is also a thriving phenomenon in Canada.

The CPAA, whose purpose is to promote legal, social, government, and institutional acceptance and support of polyamory in Canada, has called for people who practice a polyamorous lifestyle to step forward as potential witnesses, particularly if they are cohabiting with multiple partners.

“Trudeau once famously said ‘there is no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation’. Similarly, we believe that there is no place for the state in the kitchens and the front rooms of the nation,” said Zoe Duff, CPAA spokesperson.

“Adult women and men should be able to choose what form of intimate relationship they enter into and with whom they want to share their lives, even if it is more than one person,” Duff continued.

Polyamory contrasts with “patriarchal polygamy” practiced in religious communities such as Bountiful, B.C. where men have the right to marry or live with several women, but women have no right to marry or live with several men. Polyamory, on the other hand, is grounded in gender equality, self-determination, and free choice for all involved.

If the issues at communities such as Bountiful are alleged abuse (for example: the abuse of minors, abuse of authority, and marriages that are under age), the abuses should be prosecuted using existing laws that address such abuses.

The CPAA anticipates that his matter may go to the Supreme Court of Canada.

You can find articles and information by googling Canada Polygamy Ruling and by going to Polyamory and the News.

Can We Find Balance?

Posted in Loving More Personal Experiences, Polyamory, Relationships on January 27th, 2010 by Robyn Trask – 4 Comments
Photo by Robyn Trask, Big Sir California

Photo by Robyn Trask, Big Sir California

One of the most challenging things for people in polyamorous relationships is finding a balance in their life between relationships and responsibilities.  This can be especially challenging for those who have children, demanding careers and/or are activists working toward awareness and tolerance.  I often get the question how do you have time for everything?  And I find myself asking that question tonight.

Many poly folks find themselves with all of the above challenges and can end up burning out in exhaustion.  At times when the question comes up, I will laugh and tell people that heading up Loving More often means I do not have time for loving more.  It is funny and ironic and also true.  I know many people find this same thing to be true for them.

I believe much of this comes from our heritage and the over the top work ethic of the puritans.  One thing I noticed in traveling around the world that people in the US work more hours and are busier than many other cultures.  We speak the phrase “I’m busy” as almost a badge of honor or testament to our self importance.  We put love, pleasure, fun and the like on the bottom of the list and wonder why our relationships grow apart.

I am on a quest to make time for family, lovers and friends and to balance pleasure with work.  I want to take time and breathe in the moments spent with the people I love.  Time is precious and life passes quickly.   I want to strive to move beyond the “I’m too busy” to a place where love and pleasure are as much a priority as work and activism.  After all what are we working for but the freedom to enjoy the pleasure our relationships without judgment.

I am curious do others share this challenge of putting fun and pleasure last, after work, activism and other duties?

Polyamory Makes the Daily Show

Posted in Media Reactions, Polyamory, Relationships on January 15th, 2010 by Robyn Trask – 7 Comments

daily-show-334x350Well polyamory of a sort.  I was watching the Daily Show last evening when they did a story on gays wanting not only marriage rights but the right to get divorced.  In their true comedic style, they were doing an exaggerated story about a minister who opposes gays getting divorced  “No Gay Out – Jason Jones believes that God Intended man and woman to be stuck in a loveless union, not gays” .  They threw in how gay marriage hurt sthe sanctity of marriage between men and women and started interviewing a couple about how they felt about gay divorce.  The couple said they believed in “equality under the law” and did not have a challenge with gay divorce.  The reporter then asked how the husband’s girlfriend felt about it and panned the camera back to show a woman on the man’s other side holding hands.  I was floored and cracking up.  In true Daily Show style it quickly went down hill from there as the reporter dimmed the lights and they then cut to the triad in bed with the reporter standing over them holding a dildo.

It was very funny though I am not totally sure it is good.  Still the Daily Show has an audience of millions, it is about comedy and the entire skit was a satire on the right wings ridiculous arguments against gay marriage.  This kind of media shows people are noticing open relationships.  You can watch the show at http://www.thedailyshow.com/ .

So yes the concept has made it to the big time The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Please share your reactions with us.

What Loving More Has Meant to Me

Posted in Loving More Personal Experiences, Polyamory, Relationships on January 14th, 2010 by Robyn Trask – Be the first to comment

LMCover#17Int

As we work to raise funds to keep Loving More going I thought about how Loving More as an organization has touched my life and I wanted to share it.  I hope this inspires you to share your experiences. ~~ Robyn Trask

For many of us in the poly community the road to multi-partnered loving is a complicated obstacle course of emotions and evolving awareness.  Loving More to me was a port in a storm of uncertainty.  At the age of 24 after several engagements and infidelity within my relationships I realized I was simply was not and did not want monogamy.  I wanted honesty, openness and freedom, mostly honesty with myself.  A long time friend and high school sweetheart and I started dating again.  We discovered we both wanted the same thing, an open relationship.  Neither of us was interested in sexual fidelity but we both wanted a committed relationship.  We had both desired and agreed to an open marriage.  The challenge was that neither one of us had any idea of how to really make that work nor even what it meant.  Open relationships can mean many things and for us we decided on a “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy.  Not surprising, it never really worked.  To me it was no different than cheating and the whole idea of having an open marriage for me was to be honest and open.

Robyn at age 24

Robyn at age 24

I was married September 3, 1989 and my husband left to work in Japan December 1.  He would be there for at least six months and this was part of our reason for allowing each other sexual relationships outside our marriage.  I did get involved with an ex-lover but I felt terrible guilt and stopped seeing him.  Shortly after my husband returned I became involved with a mutual friend.  The challenge was I still had to be deceptive in order not to disclose what was going on and honor our agreement.  It was very challenging for me and the man I was involved with, so I again ended it and simply stopped seeing anyone.  I was still in touch with two lovers from my past that I still had strong relationships with but I did not allow it to go anywhere sexually.  I did not want to have to lie.

It was in 1996/97 that I discovered online discussion boards for non-monogamy.  I shared it with my hubby and we started talking.  It was here I learned the term polyamory and about swinging.  As a couple we explored the possibility of swinging and the more I learned the more I knew it was not for me.  I started to explore polyamory and learned about Loving More in early 1999.  My husband and I discovered the local community and about Loving More which was local.  We went to a Loving More meeting held by Ryam at the Boulder Library and it was like coming home.

Colorado Poly Community 2005

Colorado Poly Community 2005

We met intelligent educated people.  They were normal nice people and I no longer felt like there was something seriously flawed in me.  I was amazed, as was my husband.  I had always felt like I was defective since I did not feel I could or wanted to be monogamous and this meeting helped me see I was not so strange or alone.  It was this meeting that really prompted us to change our agreements and open our marriage to honesty and polyamory.  Ryam also held a monthly women’s meeting that I attended.

Loving More opened my eyes to amazing possibilities in relating openly and honestly.  I found information, support and a community where I could be myself .  I started a mixed gender support group with a man, his partner and his partner’s partner with the support of Ryam and Mary.  It changed my life for the better in so many ways.  It was at times a scary journey.  It would not be until 2003 that I would attend my first Loving More conference and I would attend first the West Coast and then the East Coast Conference as a presenter.  I went by myself to both, as my marriage was not doing well at this time.  This was not easy.  I had to drive from Colorado to Washington state and drop my kids off with their dad then drive to California for the West Coast Conference.  I then went back to  Washington on Sunday drove to Colorado by Wednesday so I could catch a flight to Philadelphia on Thursday. I did not have much money and I slept in my car so I could afford to attend both.  I attended both because I really wanted to attend the West Coast and Mary really needed presenters for the East Coast.  With the conferences just a week apart it was a bit tricky to attend both.

The conference was life changing and I wish I had attended earlier.  The workshops were so helpful and made a real difference in how I handled myself and my relationships.  I grew so much.  Both conferences were amazing.  I made new connections and friends.  On the east coast I met Ben who I am still involved with today.  I also experienced this amazing community coming together to support a very personal and challenging journey.  I wrote about it in an article called Conference Gifts published in Loving More issue #34.

Annual Colorado Poly Campout

Annual Colorado Poly Campout

Loving More was a great source of support, personal growth and awareness for me as I came to embrace my own nature as a polyamorous person.   In 2004 when Loving More was in serious danger of going under I wanted to help.  Loving More is really too much for one person to run alone and Mary was a single mom with little to no help.  I was receiving calls and emails asking what was going on and whether Loving More was still going.  I did not understand why everyone was asking me.  I was running a monthly support group, an annual Thanksgiving gathering and an annual campout in Colorado so I assume that people thought I was somehow associated with Loving More.  I decided to see what I could do to help, I had even talked to a friend about starting a new organization if Loving More went under but I hated to see that happen.  I put together a list of volunteers and contacted Mary Wolf who had taken over Loving More in around 2002.  Mary agreed to meet me for lunch.

It was challenging.  Mary was a friend and I knew she was struggling with her position as Managing Editor of Loving More.  At lunch she told me she was burned out and just could not keep going.  This was a very challenging decision but she felt she needed to let Loving More go and sell the business.  I don’t know if she had me in mind at that time but I went home with my head spinning, I wanted Loving More, I wanted to salvage what was a great organization that had been there for me.  I decided to buy it from her not knowing how.  All I knew is I wanted Loving More to continue and thrive and I knew it would be very hard.

I refinanced my house taking out the equity to buy Loving More from Mary.  It was not the best business decision.  The business was in a deep hole and I was not sure it could recover.  It was however an amazingly good life decision.  I was not in a great financial position and I put what little I had into Loving More.   I went from being a homeschooling mom who worked a few hours a week to a mom working 60 to 80 hours a week.  I was essentially single at this time.  My husband had moved to Washington state in 2001.

Taking over Loving More put many things on the back burner.    I was half way through writing a book, my house was for sale and I removed it from the market and I had started a small business, New Visions Center for Personal and Spiritual Growth..   I felt I could make more difference with Loving More and I wanted to help support an organization that had been there for me and so many others.  It has challenged me in ways I never imagined and it is the hardest job I have ever had including raising children.   I am blessed to have had support from so many in the community and my family.

Loving More has touched so many people’s lives in a profound way.  I am honored that I have had the chance to be a part of it and give back.  I have met many wonderful people through Loving More and become involved with four amazing men, two of whom have become long term partners.  I know many people have had similar experiences.  It is this that drives me.  Helping people transform their lives is why I work so hard; it is why I have put thousands of dollars into Loving More and many long hours with no financial compensation.  The personal transformations I have witnessed are why I keep believing Loving More can change the world by teaching about choice in relationships.

East Coast Retreat 2007

East Coast Retreat 2007

I will say that Loving More has been an amazing journey that I hope continues for years to come but if we had to close our doors tomorrow I would have no regrets.  I might be challenged financially but my life has been enriched by all of you in this community, by the lives I have touched and those who have touched me and by all the great opportunities to learn and grow.  I am forever grateful to Loving More, to Ryam Nearing, Brett Hill and Mary Wolf for creating Loving More and entrusting it to me.  This is why I do what I do, Loving More has made an amazing difference in my life and I hope that as an organization we continue to help people and change the way the world sees open relationships.

We are a community and we want to hear from you.

  • What are your experiences of Loving More and what does the Loving More organization mean to you.
  • Has Loving More touched your life and in what way.
  • Please leave or send us your comments/stories and we will share them in the magazine and the blog
  • Do let us know if we can use your name or if you need anonymity.
  • Share images and photos, just be sure that it is ok with anyone in them and that you have the copyright.

Click Here to Donate

Robyn Trask guest on Defy the Box Radio Tonight

Posted in Loving More Updates, Media Reactions, Polyamory, Relationships on January 12th, 2010 by admin – Be the first to comment

defytheboxbanner_final

Robyn Trask, Director of Loving More, will be a guest on Defy the Box Radio tinight January 12, 9:00pm eastern time.  You can tun in if you wish at defytheboxradio.com.

Here is the information from their website;  Loving More : Living a Polyamorous Life Robyn Trask from Loving More will be here to discuss what this life choice is really all about.

If you listen in, we would love to hear your comments.

Poly poeple needed for Media interviews and TV

Posted in Loving More Updates, Media Reactions, Polyamory, Relationships on January 12th, 2010 by admin – Be the first to comment

heart-peopleMedia interest in polyamory is increasing and we have need currently for poly people willing to talk to the press.  In the past few days I have been contacted by five different media people for stories on polyamory.  We are looking for the following, poly people in the bay area of California, 20 and 30 something poly men are two very specific needs.  One of these is for NBC another for an online magazine.  We are looking for poly families, networks and singles for another TV Documentary.

We have one inquiry from Discovery Health that I myself am not sure about but I will put it out here.  They do a show “Pregnant and ….”. They are looking for a pregnant poly woman.  I told them it was not likely but I would put it out there.

If anyone is interested in doing some media please let us know.  The current list we have is a bit outdated.  Remember before you do any media check out the organization inquiring.  If they often do shows with lots of angst and drama that is probably what they are planning.  We will check all these out and give our experienced feedback and recommendations.  We always like to keep in mind any media is a reflection on the community as a whole to the world and we like to help programs we feel will help the movement not make it a freak show.  What we do need is diversity of people from young to old, Christian to Pagan, singles to networks, childless to toddlers, gay, straight, male, female and everything in between.

Contact Robyn Trask, Loving More

970-667-5683

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010

Posted in Loving More Updates, Polyamory on January 6th, 2010 by Robyn Trask – Be the first to comment

2010_14 (1)Loving More wishes you a year of love, abundance and happiness from our hearts to yours.
Though it is not technically a new decade, 2010 feels like one to me just as 2000 did.  So much has happened for the Poly Movement over the last decade.  We have gone from no one knowing the created term to having polyamory included in the dictionary to hearing people in the streets talking about polyamory.  It is phenomenal to see the increasing coverage of the subject from articles in major news media on polyamory specifically to the questions being raised about the viability for many of monogamy itself.

All of this is fantastic and yet we have so much more to do.  There are still many who do not know that there is any other possibility besides monogamy in loving committed relationships.  Most people are afraid to be out to friends, family and especially to their jobs and community.  Parents still have to be very cautious in the courts when it comes to custody or dealing with children’s services.   Many lawyers, doctors, counselors and other professionals have no idea what polyamory is or how to handle issues that can arise in multi-partnered relationships.  At times it feels like there is so much still to do and I know as a community we will get there.
I can’t wait to see what the next decade brings for the polyamory movement and community.  We are on the verge of a real shift in society’s perception about relationships and we are all a big part of that shift.  I look forward to working toward awareness, education and change over the next decade and to seeing what this amazing community can do.

My thanks go out to the Loving More board members Anita Wagner, Jesus Garcia and board advisors Alan M, Ken Haslam and Joe Melhado for all their help and support.

Sending you all love, laughter and hugs for 2010,

Robyn Trask
Executive Director
Loving More Non-profit

970-667-5683

Happy Holidays

Posted in Loving More Updates, Polyamory, Relationships on December 27th, 2009 by admin – Be the first to comment

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Loving More would like to wish you, your family and lovers a wonderful and magical holiday season.

We hope to see many of you in February in Philadelphia.  Until then please know you are in our thoughts as we move into the New Year 2010.  It is the support, warm friendships and connections that keep us going each year.  We wish for all of you an abundant 2010.

Tiger Woods Media Frenzy

Posted in Media Reactions, Polyamory, Relationships on December 18th, 2009 by Robyn Trask – 5 Comments

LMCover#8small

When I first heard the Tiger Woods hoopla, I ignored it as just another gossip fest about someone famous.  A few days later, I was personally dismayed when I saw Tiger Woods leading the headlines in USA Today while a story about four police officers being killed in Washington State was not as important.  The officers, it was believed, were targeted while sitting in a coffee shop.  This was only a headline with the story somewhere in the pages within while Tiger Woods possible infidelity had text on the front page and a bigger headline.  Are the American people really so twisted in their reality that we care more about the, at the time, alleged infidelity of a sports super star then of the shooting of men who serve the public?  People cry out in message boards about Tiger and his “immoral” behavior and barely notice the story of police officers being targeted in a shooting.  I find this to be the sorry state we find our culture in and I wonder if this fascination with infidelity is the same reason people find polyamory so challenging.

This prompted me to take a look at the stories and rumors circling and find out what was being said.  This revelation of Tiger Woods cheating falls on the heels of numerous infidelities by celebrities and politicians.  Each time one of these stories hits, the media jumps on it like ravenous dogs.  This is because people seem to have an appetite for gossip on infidelity.  People are poised to name call and point fingers every time some celebrity we have put on an impossibly high pedestal does something wrong, especially when it involves sex.  Since media is totally in it for the money these days it makes sense, sex sells.infidelity

In all of these articles and revelations of infidelity by prominent and apparently upstanding men there is harsh judgment of the men, their values, their morals and even their worth, but no one ever questions that there might be an underlying issue behind the constant straying.  Despite what extensive and numerous studies have shown that our nature as humans is to stray, very few in the mainstream media raise the question of monogamy itself being the problem.  If we look at some of the important and respected men who have shaped our history and even women, we find many are philanderers; Benjamin Franklin, John F. Kennedy, Thomas Jefferson, Elizabeth I, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt to name a few.  The empirical evidence has shown and continues to show that animals, including humans, are not monogamous.  The constant headlines of infidelity seem to support this and yet despite all the data people are shocked and outraged.  And no one in the mainstream appears capable of talking about this intelligently, especially the media.

In 2007 my family and I appeared on the Montel Williams Show about “alternative families”.  The show consisted of a woman who was a porn star and prostitute, a family who ran a naturist resort and us.  The audience was more challenged by polyamory and open relationships than anything else.  I find this is often the case when polyamory comes up in the conversation.  People will puff up and look indignantly saying it is just wrong.  I actually understand this.  Our culture has programmed us to believe monogamy = love = commitment and is the only valid relationship model, for many the only model period.  Cheating betrays trust and hurts people in many ways.  The gap that most people can’t seem to bridge is that polyamory is not cheating, it is not about deceit and it involves serious commitment.  When you talk of polyamory as an alternative to monogamy many people only visualize cheating.

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On a few occasions we will see mainstream media look at the issue and conclude that, despite the facts, monogamy is more desirable, more evolved and what we humans should strive for.  We are given this skewed picture of limited choices; monogamy, cheating or staying single.  Most people will pick monogamy since most people want to be with someone and want to be honest.  There is little to no discussion or suggestion that there might be something else possible; a way of relating beyond monogamy and infidelity.  Committed relationships in which people are honest and open to other partners, or polyamory, is not even part of most people’s thought process.

As a young woman I never considered I had another choice despite the fact that I was often in love with and seeing more than one person.   In the back of my mind I knew at some point I had to choose one person and settle down.  Anything else was not even considered as it never entered my mind that I could do something else.  When I did finally come to terms with the fact I was not monogamous by nature and that I no longer would lie about it, I believed that it meant I would be single and alone.  For me I preferred that scenario to monogamy or cheating.

If our society recognized another possibility, another option, how many people would choose non-monogamy?  We have what has been coined “compulsory monogamy” in our culture.  Monogamy permeates our literature, music, movies and education.  Entertainment media is full of love triangles, jealous rages and unfaithful spouses that always end in pain and hurt for those involved.  We even go so far as to make jealous rage an excusable reason for violence and murder.  This all makes for dramatic stories and gossip but where would we be as a culture if people were given another image, another possibility?  Would Tiger Woods  have chosen something else if it was culturally acceptable?  Maybe, maybe not, but at least it would have been a conscious choice.  Can we truly judge a man or woman for seeking sex outside a marriage when we give no other choice and most people are not naturally monogamous?

Polyamory, open relationships and swinging can come in many different configurations but these relationships share something in common.  They are about choosing what relationship configuration works for you, consciously and honestly.  Infidelity is hurtful but this is more about betraying trust than about the sex.  Infidelity can be sexual or emotional and can happen in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships.    It is really about not being honest and lying about relationships outside a committed partnership.  Unfortunately this happens often in monogamy because we as a society in general do not know how to talk about emotions, desire and sexual needs.

Polyamory and other open relationship styles do require commitment and agreements.  People in these relationships need to develop skills in negotiating boundaries and agreements as well as communicating their needs honestly.  It is important to understand and recognize that people change, needs change and renegotiation is important in growing a relationship.  Monogamous relationships also need these skills.  In traditional monogamy however people often make assumptions that their partner wants what they want and they never actually ask.   As a result these relationships go into a kind of auto pilot of day to day routine and many times people negate their needs, fail to communicate and become resentful.  While multi-partnered relationships can have similar challenges, it is less common and by the nature of dealing with many people, things usually go south much faster when people fail to communicate honestly.

What would happen if relationship choice was part of our cultural makeup?  What if people learned to be honest and communicate their desires?  I know an awareness of choices would have made a world of difference in my life and my feelings about myself as a young woman.   Would the Tiger Woods of the world choose something different?  I believe many people would, though not all.  I know that some people would consciously choose monogamy and not simply default into monogamy.  Other people would choose swinging, polyamory or some other arrangement.  I know others would still cheat simply for the thrill of getting away with something.  Having choices would not get rid of infidelity but it might reduce it significantly.  Having choices would save many people from the pain and hurt of broken trust and/or forcing oneself to be monogamous when it is not ones desire or nature to be so.

My hope is that all this media frenzy over infidelity and cheating initiates a real dialogue and an awareness of relationship choice will begin to emerge.  Of course I am an optimist looking for anything that brings attention to the outdated mind set of one size fits all relationships.  We can accept that some people like to live in Manhattan while others prefer a Nebraska farm in the middle of nowhere.   I believe we can learn to respect that some people want a monogamous relationship for all time while others might want to commit to a network of twenty lovers.  Relationships and the choices we make about them should be as unique as the people involved and can be when made with awareness, honestly and communication.

I personally wish Tiger and his family find the solutions that are right for them.  I do not think less of him or more for that matter.  He is a great golfer and sportsman.  His personal relationships and marriage are none of my business.  I hope that we can move on and the media can cover something that really matters like the continuing casualties in Iraq or the challenges with American jobs going overseas.  These are things are worthy of our time and consideration.