Loving More Polyamory Blog

Image from the movie Caberet

The weekly drama series House recently aired an episode in which the patient was in an honest open relationship.   True to Hollywood style all was not as it seemed.  The show was in many ways a train wreck of what can go wrong when people are not fully honest.  The episode featured three stories, the open relationship, the cheating doctor and House’s best friend’s dishonesty about his feelings with his girlfriend and former wife.

The open relationship is greeted in the beginning with the doctors wagging their tongues about the impossibility of a couple have an open relationship and being happy.  It is the “unicorn” they proclaim, it never truly works.  The show goes on to show how the husband has been dishonest both in his feelings, his relationships and the couple’s money.  He lies about being ok with an open marriage because he “loves” his wife so much.  He does not want her to feel bad about what she is doing.  This of course implies that the audience all knows that what she is doing is bad or wrong.  According to the character House he lies about the money as a way to get even for her sleeping around.  Her other partner shows up and is severely reprimanded for intruding on their family.  They after all have to protect the sanctity of the family.

All of this is a reflection of people who wander out into the open relationship arena without a guide book or guide to help them through the process.  Since most people have no models it can be very tricky to navigate the feelings and challenges that come when people open up their relationship whether to dating, swinging or polyamory.  The show of course does not address this; it simply points fingers at how this kind of relationship never works.  They never address the underlying real challenges that are basic lack of communication and honesty.

Meanwhile the cheating doctor, who was the one to speak out the loudest about the impracticality of an open relationship, brings the subject up to his wife.  He is currently not cheating but has long history of doing so and is flirting with a nurse incessantly.  His wife is hurt and angry but the next day gives him one night a week to do whatever.  She declares she loves him and needs to accept who he is, a non-monogamous man.  She does not however want to meet the women, hear about them or discuss any of it.  Sounds promising and he immediately asks out the nurse.  In the end his wife changes her mind and he insists it is fine that he really only wants her.  A few days later he runs into the nurse and they leave in her car together after a passionate kiss.  He is lying but he is doing it of course to protect his wife because he loves her.

The third somewhat back story is about the lack of honesty and communication House’s friend has with his former wife he is now dating again.  He is not being honest about little things that annoy him and House makes sure to play it up.  They fight but in the end they talk.  They talk about how they really feel and in the end it heals much of their relationship.  Wow, what a concept, honesty can be healing.   Of course they are a happily monogamous couple.

It is great that Hollywood is including open relationships in their story lines.  Other shows have also done this.  Most of the time however, these relationships are shown to be isolated and highly dysfunctional.  I do understand that many people are totally unaware that open relationships, swinging and polyamory even exist much less can and do function well for many people.  These shows totally miss that often people in successful open type relationships have a culture, community and support system that can help them navigate these challenging relationship pitfalls.  It is true that non-traditional open relationships can end in disaster and so do many traditional monogamous ones.    Like monogamy, the open relationships that really work involve effort, communication, trust and honesty.

This episode of House was an example of the attitudes reflected in the greater society.  The belief that lying to your partner can be noble and that honesty and openness never work even while the show is showing it does.  It is a dichotomy of mixed messages.  In truth people lie to their partner because they are afraid of confrontation, they are afraid to lose them and they are afraid of big boom arguments.  They will hide their real feelings, live in unhappy and unfulfilled circumstances and let go of their real desires, needs and wants.  We consider this noble.  Where though is the intimacy?  When you lie about who you are and what you want then you are sharing an illusion with others.  With honesty and a willingness to truly be you, comes true intimacy.  Is it easy?  Often no, it is not.   It is through the darkness and vulnerability we find ourselves and our partners.  It can be an amazing journey that actually builds a stronger relationship as in the case of House’s friend.  Yes, you can sometimes lose someone by being honest.  In most cases this is not what happens and in those where it does both people usually end up glad to move on to a more appropriate relationship.

These concepts are probably too grown up for Hollywood at this point.  Polyamory and open relating are still in the stages of being the joke. Change will come in time.  More people are exploring polyamory and other open relationship styles, especially the younger generations.   More shows are including open relating as a story line, albeit a disaster usually.  We are making head way and things are changing.  It would be nice if there was more awareness of the polyamory movement and the organizations, books and people available to help those exploring navigate the pitfalls of multi-partnered relating.

Lying results in loss of trust, which leads to insecurity, jealousy, drama and many challenges for the people involved.  Often when spouses cheat the biggest challenge is building trust again.  Lying is not noble and really not done out of love but out of fear.  It takes guts, respect and tremendous love to be really honest in our culture.

Honest open relationships where all parties are happy, included and family, are not mythological, they do exist.  They are not so different from anything else.  They are based on love, and work best when all parties are honest, considerate and real about their needs.  Like all relationships they are challenging long term and require us to deal with our insecurities, fears and see ourselves clearly.  The rewards are numerous from expanded love and family to adventure and exploring sexuality.  Each person in this world is different, for some monogamy is fantastic for other swinging is great and for some it is polyamory, most share a desire for intimacy, honesty, connection and most of all love.

Robyn and Jesus

The State We’re In, is an English language international show on world affairs.  We had the pleasure of doing an interview with them last week which is available currently at http://www.rnw.nl/english/radioprogramme/state-were.  This week’s show features my partners Jesus, Ben and I talking about our relationship with each other and how polyamory works for each of us.  It is very positive and in my opinion well done.  I was struck by them asking Ben a question about what he gets from his relationship with me he doesn’t get from his primary partner.  It is to me a strange question that I personally have been asked this numerous times by friends and acquaintances who do not get polyamory.  This is the first I have heard the question by the media and one a lot of people wonder.

Ben

Ben’s answer was great and similar to what I would have said but you’ll have to listen to hear what he had to say.  The show is intermixed with a song Ben wrote and performed originally at Poly Living 2008 in Philadelphia.  I love how they brought the lyrics in at different times.  The entire show is interesting and informative and was a lot of fun to do.

Please give us your feedback here.

CU Boulder

On Wednesday April 7, 2010 at the Conference on World Affairs a panel presentation was being presented From Monogamy to Polyamory and Everything in Between.  Wow this is great that polyamory is being included in the Conference on World Affairs held annually at the University of Colorado in Boulder.  Just one problem, on the panel of “experts” there was not one person who really knew or understood polyamory.  The local polyamory group in Boulder caught wind of this via Amy Gahran and Loving More was contacted.  We decided we needed to attend this panel discussion.  Maybe it was not so bad, maybe one or two panel members did have knowledge but we just didn’t know them.  I went with an open mind hoping mine and the concerns of the community were unfounded.  Sadly they were not.

When I arrived the doors were closed and people wanting in would need to wait and see if anyone departed.  It was standing room only in the large auditorium with a large crowd waiting to get in.  I started talking to people who were waiting and most were there because they were interested in this discussion that included polyamory.  Polyamory was what brought many of them there.

After about ten minutes the crowd waiting had thinned and several people left so we were able to duck in to the panel.  The panel was still introducing themselves and they were on the second panelist.  Each panelist talked about how their personal experiences made them experts in this subject.  Mostly they talked about their own background either professionally or with relationships.  All were monogamous and all talked about monogamy and infidelity.  Three barely mentioned polyamory in passing and one stated polyamory made sense biologically but he was not sure it could work logistically.  This was the only positive thing said about polyamory by any of the panelists.  At best they were unfamiliar with polyamory and at worst they were condescending making statements about how polyamory is impractical or not socially acceptable and therefore people would not really consider it.

As they finished their introductions they opened the forum to questions.  They called on a young woman behind me; she asked if polyamory could be a solution for couples with children who want to stay together but are no longer romantically compatible.  The panelists seemed dumbfounded and when one finally answered he said something to the effect that it probable was not a reasonable solution.  In the panel of so called experts they continually pushed polyamory off to the margins.  It was subtle and they were not even aware of their own prejudices or that they were doing it.  I asked why a panel discussion that included polyamory had no one in the panel who knew anything about polyamory when there are many people available to speak to this issue.  People applauded when I asked the question.  The panel  understandably  became a bit defensive and said they felt they were doing fine They asked if they had misrepresented things and I said yes, that polyamory was a growing movement with thousands if not millions of  people involved successfully across the country and around the world.    I had a chance to clarify a few things to the group and let people know there was quality information available (much of which I had with me and gave out).

The panelists it seems were chosen by the organizers and therefore not responsible for the lack a of knowledgeable polyamory panelists.  On one hand I agree with this and on the other I take a different stand.  When I was asked to speak on the spectrum of non-monogamous relating styles including swinging, I made an effort to learn.  I am not a swinger and though I know more than the average person, I am no expert on swinging.  I did some research before speaking and learned what I could so I could speak intelligently about the subject.  This was not terribly hard since though swinging and polyamory are at different ends of the open relationship spectrum, they share many of the same challenges.  The point is I educated myself so I could represent swinging in a real and viable way.  So to me the panelist share some responsibility.  Get educated or tell the organizers to include a person who is truly an expert on the subject.

This incident is not isolated.  Unfortunately it happens all the time, most notably in the media.   The worst are the talk shows like Oprah and others.  When Oprah included open relationships on a show on sexuality her so called expert knew nothing about polyamory or open relationships.  The “expert” pursed her lips and spouted how open relationships never work because like in cheating people can’t get past jealousy.  In my experience both personally and working with clients it is broken trust that people have so much trouble overcoming.  This may lead to or involve jealousy but it is rebuilding trust after infidelity that ultimately kills the relationship when a spouse has cheated.  Polyamory and swinging are built on trust and are not cheating.

On Montel in 2007 in a show on alternative families one of the experts was the judge from divorce court.  She compared kids raised in polyamory to single mothers on welfare who have a new boyfriend every month and give that man authority over their kids.  On the same show Montel stated that just a very small fraction of less than one percent of the population would ever have an interest in polyamory.  I objected saying I disagreed and when he asked the audience at least twenty five percent raised their hand saying they would be interested in a multi-partnered relationship.  This part of course never aired.

These are examples from just two shows and it happens in all kinds of venues.  I wonder why it is that seemingly educated well versed people are so ignorant.  It would be one thing if they were out there saying “gee, I don’t know if polyamory can work”, versus expertly speaking to polyamory as if it never works and never will.  In one recent story, where Jenny Block was interviewed by a local Dallas station, the expert was a marriage counselor who said he did not know of anyone who had a successful open relationship and that open relationships didn’t work.  In the same show they are talking with Jenny Block who has been in an open relationship for 12 or so years.  It is as if having their “expert” commentator validates that someone like Jenny is a fluke and we really do not need to take these open relationships serious.  What it really speaks to is the undeniable ignorance and unwillingness to learn about a growing movement and the viability of relationships outside the box of monogamy and the nuclear family.

Poly Pride in Central Park

People often fear what they do not understand.  Polyamory and other open relationships make many people uncomfortable.  Many have enough problems making one relationship work while others may have desired or loved more than one person but they denied themselves.  Either way I believe that in part open relating is marginalized in the mainstream because it challenges people at their core.  When you examine polyamory and swinging closely it is hard to find a reason that it is wrong.  These relationships are built on honesty, being real, sharing fantasies, love and commitment and the people involved are often normal happy people.  It is easier for people to marginalize open relating because if it is not marginal it might open the door to question monogamy.  People might have to question whether they have the kind of relationship they want and that might lead to guilt, shame, jealousy and a myriad of deep emotions most people do not really want to look at.  By saying it doesn’t work or is really just a few weirdoes on the fringe of society then people do not have to peak out of the box and possibly rock the boat of their lives.

It is really up to us, Loving More and the greater polyamory community to educate and speak up especially when experts who are not experts marginalize open relationships; perhaps even writing in to Oprah or Hollywood producers who misrepresent polyamory, swinging and other choices beyond monogamy.  If you hear something on the radio or TV that is misinformation, let us know.  Become aware of what is being said around you and don’t be afraid to speak up or if you can’t safely find someone who can.  Give out the Polyamory Info/FAQ brochure, it is available free.  Let us speak out together and inform the world that open relationships can work and be wonderfully rich, satisfying, deeply intimate and nurturing.

Poly Living in Philly last month was phenomenal from the amazing presenters and workshops to the smiling faces of the many people attending for the first time.

Friday night opened with a fund video showcasing the comedic side of polyamory with clips from different TV shows.  Reid Mihalko kept people laughing with a great keynote and set the stage for the weekend.  We were blessed with a great group of work exchange people that helped to keep the weekend running smoothly.  People left with knowledge, smiles, warm hearts and new connections which are always our goal in producing events for the community.

We thank all of you who participated, attended, presented and lent your energy to this conference.  Without all the pieces Poly Living would not be what it is.  I know George Marvil would be proud.

Keep your eyes open for the annoucement of Poly Living West coming to Seattle this fall.

Compersion or Jealousy?

I hear it all the time and everywhere when the subject of Polyamory comes up, “what about jealousy?” or “do poly people get jealous” or the declaration, “I can’t deal with jealousy so I could never be in an open relationship”.  At times these repeated questions and statements are heard so often that many poly people have almost rehearsed speeches to talk to people or reporters about poly and jealousy.

I was reading an article this morning, as is often true the article stated that “jealousy is human nature” and of course this is why polyamory and/or open relationships can’t work.  Jealousy is certainly a part of human nature but if we allowed the fear of the emotion of jealousy stop us from doing certain things, most of us would not have made it through kindergarten.   The truth is that we as human beings can and do experience jealousy.  This started me thinking about the adult avoidance of jealousy and the hypocrisy of many people’s attitudes when it comes to jealousy.  Yes, most human beings deal with jealousy from the time we are small children and we learn both to deal with it and to overcome it.

Jealousy is a strong and often painful emotion.  As children we are told by loving adults to get over it and/or deal with it.  How often do parents say to a young child, “Cindy, don’t be selfish, share your toys with your little brother.”  When our kids experience serious challenge with jealousy, whether it is a new member of the family or sharing toys with the neighbor kids, we as adults try to help them.  We do not tell them to horde their toys or decide not to have another child to save our kid from the emotional pain of jealousy.  In fact the opposite is true, we will put our children into situations we know challenge them in hopes they will learn to deal with the emotions and be a well rounded person.  Most parents do their best to teach their children a balance between boundaries and sharing.  We expect children as young as two or three to deal with this painful emotion and move through it.

The irony is sometimes so astounding to me when I hear someone proclaim that humans just can’t get past jealousy.   Even as adults, we have to learn sometimes to deal with jealousy.  Perhaps our spouse has a demanding job and they love it.  We want them to be happy but we may feel jealous that the job is taking them away.  Maybe your best friend loves to golf and you hate it, then they meet someone who also loves to golf and become close friends leaving you feeling left out.  Human beings may be jealous by nature but they are also intelligent and can work or move through these emotions.

Why is it in our culture that in our romantic sexual relationships we condone acting like the three year old when we feel jealousy?  Jealousy can even be used as a defense for assault.  When a sexual partner strays or cares for someone else, it as if we accept bad behavior because they were jealous.  Yet the pain of possibly losing a friend to golf or a husband to his work can be just as painful.  No one, however, would condone a person vandalizing someone’s car or smashing in their window while they are driving.  This is no different than the child who pushes over his little sister and grabs her toy.  Many would say it is because the stakes are higher but to a two year old that toy is high stakes.

If we expect a two year old to learn and move through jealousy, then how is so hard to imagine that a group of adults have chosen to do the same?  It is not always easy and it can be painful.  You can feel like that two year old who just lost his toy forever as you sit crying and looking over at the brat who has taken your toy.  If we sit with these feelings, don’t judge them and allow ourselves to grow and learn, we can move through it.  This can be made easier when our partner, just like our parents did as children, comfort and reassure us while allowing us the opportunity to grow.

I continue to be baffled by the looks of disbelief when I say many poly people use jealousy as a tool to grow.  That they learn to move through it and that over time it does get easier.  Why is this such a hard concept?  I know that many adults in our world avoid emotional pain at all costs.  Emotions are the water of life and like water, become polluted when stagnant.  Embracing difficult emotions instead of avoiding them keeps the water flowing and life moving forward.  Polyamory can certainly do this but there are many other ways.  Polyamory is just one way and it is not for everyone, but jealousy is a poor excuse for declaring polyamory does not work.  If poly is not your cup of tea then it is ok to own that and say so, you don’t need to explain or make any excuses.

Jealousy is an emotion about insecurity.  It gives us insight into ourselves and information we can use to feel better about who we are.

The next time you hear someone say that poly can never work because of jealousy, ask them if they learned to share their toys with the other kids as a child.  Yes, jealousy exists in polyamorous relationships along with love, understanding, compassion, sharing and compersion.  This is what makes it so worth experiencing for many people; to move through emotions to a place of connection and love and wait for the next wave to crash.

Robyn Trask of Loving More interviewed, along with several other awesome poly’s, for an article on raising kids in poly families by  Mom Logic.  The article is actually nice.  As is typical many of the comments are scathing.

Excerpt

For some, being polyamorous provides more love and support for the kids than does being in a monogamous household.

Ronda Kaysen: Most nights, Matt Bullen’s 7-year-old son sleeps at home with his mom and dad, except for the nights when he sleeps at his dad’s girlfriend’s house. The arrangement works well because his mom’s boyfriend lives there, too. Actually, his mom’s boyfriend is married to his dad’s girlfriend. Confused? Don’t worry, that’s just par for the course in polyamorist households.

Polyamory — the notion that committed love relationships can involve more than two consenting adults — is a bit like swinging, with one key difference: Love and commitment are  the focus, not sexual hookups. For some, polyamorous relationships involve three or more adults, and no other new partners ever enter the equation. For others, polyamory becomes an even more fluid family dynamic.

Complete article can be found at Mom Logic

Dossie Easton, Reid Mihalko and Robyn Trask

Programs are being printed, name badges made and boxes shipped.  Excitement and anticipation are building as we are just nine days away from Poly Living 2010, February 19-21, Fort Washington, PA.  Poly Living is a good way to break up the long winter and escape to a place full of ideas, warmth and open hearts.  I always look forward to connecting with the community at Poly Living.  Every year I love connecting with people; people I have known for years and people I am meeting for the first time.  Always I walk away from a conference having made new connections with wonderful people.  It is a great feeling to have the opportunity to meet the amazing people, old and new, who make up this awesome community.

We invite you all to join us for a weekend of fun, learning and friendship.  We have a wonderful array of presentations and presenters all eager to see that you get the most out of Poly Living.   (Poly Living can make a great Valentines surprise)

Leaders and Activists are Getting Together after Poly Living.

Poly Leadership Summit March 2009

Loving More is playing host to the third Polyamory Leadership Summit being organized by Reid Mihalko and the Polyamory Leadership Network, February 21-22, 2010.  Anyone interested in polyamory activism is welcome to join in.

For complete information on joining the Leadership Summit go to 2010 Poly Leadership Summit

I look forward to the love, laughter and community of Poly Living.  Hope to see you there!!!

Poly Living Group Discount

Discount of 10% when three people register together, use coupon code PL103.  Recieve 15% when four or more register together, use coupon code PL104.

Loving More Community Connections

Watch for Announcement of Hosted 3D Chats

We invite you to join us and watch for the chat annoucements.

Check It Out Here

Photo by Robyn Trask, Big Sir California

One of the most challenging things for people in polyamorous relationships is finding a balance in their life between relationships and responsibilities.  This can be especially challenging for those who have children, demanding careers and/or are activists working toward awareness and tolerance.  I often get the question how do you have time for everything?  And I find myself asking that question tonight.

Many poly folks find themselves with all of the above challenges and can end up burning out in exhaustion.  At times when the question comes up, I will laugh and tell people that heading up Loving More often means I do not have time for loving more.  It is funny and ironic and also true.  I know many people find this same thing to be true for them.

I believe much of this comes from our heritage and the over the top work ethic of the puritans.  One thing I noticed in traveling around the world that people in the US work more hours and are busier than many other cultures.  We speak the phrase “I’m busy” as almost a badge of honor or testament to our self importance.  We put love, pleasure, fun and the like on the bottom of the list and wonder why our relationships grow apart.

I am on a quest to make time for family, lovers and friends and to balance pleasure with work.  I want to take time and breathe in the moments spent with the people I love.  Time is precious and life passes quickly.   I want to strive to move beyond the “I’m too busy” to a place where love and pleasure are as much a priority as work and activism.  After all what are we working for but the freedom to enjoy the pleasure our relationships without judgment.

I am curious do others share this challenge of putting fun and pleasure last, after work, activism and other duties?

Well polyamory of a sort.  I was watching the Daily Show last evening when they did a story on gays wanting not only marriage rights but the right to get divorced.  In their true comedic style, they were doing an exaggerated story about a minister who opposes gays getting divorced  “No Gay Out – Jason Jones believes that God Intended man and woman to be stuck in a loveless union, not gays” .  They threw in how gay marriage hurt sthe sanctity of marriage between men and women and started interviewing a couple about how they felt about gay divorce.  The couple said they believed in “equality under the law” and did not have a challenge with gay divorce.  The reporter then asked how the husband’s girlfriend felt about it and panned the camera back to show a woman on the man’s other side holding hands.  I was floored and cracking up.  In true Daily Show style it quickly went down hill from there as the reporter dimmed the lights and they then cut to the triad in bed with the reporter standing over them holding a dildo.

It was very funny though I am not totally sure it is good.  Still the Daily Show has an audience of millions, it is about comedy and the entire skit was a satire on the right wings ridiculous arguments against gay marriage.  This kind of media shows people are noticing open relationships.  You can watch the show at http://www.thedailyshow.com/ .

So yes the concept has made it to the big time The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Please share your reactions with us.