Robyn and Jesus

The State We’re In, is an English language international show on world affairs.  We had the pleasure of doing an interview with them last week which is available currently at http://www.rnw.nl/english/radioprogramme/state-were.  This week’s show features my partners Jesus, Ben and I talking about our relationship with each other and how polyamory works for each of us.  It is very positive and in my opinion well done.  I was struck by them asking Ben a question about what he gets from his relationship with me he doesn’t get from his primary partner.  It is to me a strange question that I personally have been asked this numerous times by friends and acquaintances who do not get polyamory.  This is the first I have heard the question by the media and one a lot of people wonder.

Ben

Ben’s answer was great and similar to what I would have said but you’ll have to listen to hear what he had to say.  The show is intermixed with a song Ben wrote and performed originally at Poly Living 2008 in Philadelphia.  I love how they brought the lyrics in at different times.  The entire show is interesting and informative and was a lot of fun to do.

Please give us your feedback here.

CU Boulder

On Wednesday April 7, 2010 at the Conference on World Affairs a panel presentation was being presented From Monogamy to Polyamory and Everything in Between.  Wow this is great that polyamory is being included in the Conference on World Affairs held annually at the University of Colorado in Boulder.  Just one problem, on the panel of “experts” there was not one person who really knew or understood polyamory.  The local polyamory group in Boulder caught wind of this via Amy Gahran and Loving More was contacted.  We decided we needed to attend this panel discussion.  Maybe it was not so bad, maybe one or two panel members did have knowledge but we just didn’t know them.  I went with an open mind hoping mine and the concerns of the community were unfounded.  Sadly they were not.

When I arrived the doors were closed and people wanting in would need to wait and see if anyone departed.  It was standing room only in the large auditorium with a large crowd waiting to get in.  I started talking to people who were waiting and most were there because they were interested in this discussion that included polyamory.  Polyamory was what brought many of them there.

After about ten minutes the crowd waiting had thinned and several people left so we were able to duck in to the panel.  The panel was still introducing themselves and they were on the second panelist.  Each panelist talked about how their personal experiences made them experts in this subject.  Mostly they talked about their own background either professionally or with relationships.  All were monogamous and all talked about monogamy and infidelity.  Three barely mentioned polyamory in passing and one stated polyamory made sense biologically but he was not sure it could work logistically.  This was the only positive thing said about polyamory by any of the panelists.  At best they were unfamiliar with polyamory and at worst they were condescending making statements about how polyamory is impractical or not socially acceptable and therefore people would not really consider it.

As they finished their introductions they opened the forum to questions.  They called on a young woman behind me; she asked if polyamory could be a solution for couples with children who want to stay together but are no longer romantically compatible.  The panelists seemed dumbfounded and when one finally answered he said something to the effect that it probable was not a reasonable solution.  In the panel of so called experts they continually pushed polyamory off to the margins.  It was subtle and they were not even aware of their own prejudices or that they were doing it.  I asked why a panel discussion that included polyamory had no one in the panel who knew anything about polyamory when there are many people available to speak to this issue.  People applauded when I asked the question.  The panel  understandably  became a bit defensive and said they felt they were doing fine They asked if they had misrepresented things and I said yes, that polyamory was a growing movement with thousands if not millions of  people involved successfully across the country and around the world.    I had a chance to clarify a few things to the group and let people know there was quality information available (much of which I had with me and gave out).

The panelists it seems were chosen by the organizers and therefore not responsible for the lack a of knowledgeable polyamory panelists.  On one hand I agree with this and on the other I take a different stand.  When I was asked to speak on the spectrum of non-monogamous relating styles including swinging, I made an effort to learn.  I am not a swinger and though I know more than the average person, I am no expert on swinging.  I did some research before speaking and learned what I could so I could speak intelligently about the subject.  This was not terribly hard since though swinging and polyamory are at different ends of the open relationship spectrum, they share many of the same challenges.  The point is I educated myself so I could represent swinging in a real and viable way.  So to me the panelist share some responsibility.  Get educated or tell the organizers to include a person who is truly an expert on the subject.

This incident is not isolated.  Unfortunately it happens all the time, most notably in the media.   The worst are the talk shows like Oprah and others.  When Oprah included open relationships on a show on sexuality her so called expert knew nothing about polyamory or open relationships.  The “expert” pursed her lips and spouted how open relationships never work because like in cheating people can’t get past jealousy.  In my experience both personally and working with clients it is broken trust that people have so much trouble overcoming.  This may lead to or involve jealousy but it is rebuilding trust after infidelity that ultimately kills the relationship when a spouse has cheated.  Polyamory and swinging are built on trust and are not cheating.

On Montel in 2007 in a show on alternative families one of the experts was the judge from divorce court.  She compared kids raised in polyamory to single mothers on welfare who have a new boyfriend every month and give that man authority over their kids.  On the same show Montel stated that just a very small fraction of less than one percent of the population would ever have an interest in polyamory.  I objected saying I disagreed and when he asked the audience at least twenty five percent raised their hand saying they would be interested in a multi-partnered relationship.  This part of course never aired.

These are examples from just two shows and it happens in all kinds of venues.  I wonder why it is that seemingly educated well versed people are so ignorant.  It would be one thing if they were out there saying “gee, I don’t know if polyamory can work”, versus expertly speaking to polyamory as if it never works and never will.  In one recent story, where Jenny Block was interviewed by a local Dallas station, the expert was a marriage counselor who said he did not know of anyone who had a successful open relationship and that open relationships didn’t work.  In the same show they are talking with Jenny Block who has been in an open relationship for 12 or so years.  It is as if having their “expert” commentator validates that someone like Jenny is a fluke and we really do not need to take these open relationships serious.  What it really speaks to is the undeniable ignorance and unwillingness to learn about a growing movement and the viability of relationships outside the box of monogamy and the nuclear family.

Poly Pride in Central Park

People often fear what they do not understand.  Polyamory and other open relationships make many people uncomfortable.  Many have enough problems making one relationship work while others may have desired or loved more than one person but they denied themselves.  Either way I believe that in part open relating is marginalized in the mainstream because it challenges people at their core.  When you examine polyamory and swinging closely it is hard to find a reason that it is wrong.  These relationships are built on honesty, being real, sharing fantasies, love and commitment and the people involved are often normal happy people.  It is easier for people to marginalize open relating because if it is not marginal it might open the door to question monogamy.  People might have to question whether they have the kind of relationship they want and that might lead to guilt, shame, jealousy and a myriad of deep emotions most people do not really want to look at.  By saying it doesn’t work or is really just a few weirdoes on the fringe of society then people do not have to peak out of the box and possibly rock the boat of their lives.

It is really up to us, Loving More and the greater polyamory community to educate and speak up especially when experts who are not experts marginalize open relationships; perhaps even writing in to Oprah or Hollywood producers who misrepresent polyamory, swinging and other choices beyond monogamy.  If you hear something on the radio or TV that is misinformation, let us know.  Become aware of what is being said around you and don’t be afraid to speak up or if you can’t safely find someone who can.  Give out the Polyamory Info/FAQ brochure, it is available free.  Let us speak out together and inform the world that open relationships can work and be wonderfully rich, satisfying, deeply intimate and nurturing.

Robyn Trask of Loving More interviewed, along with several other awesome poly’s, for an article on raising kids in poly families by  Mom Logic.  The article is actually nice.  As is typical many of the comments are scathing.

Excerpt

For some, being polyamorous provides more love and support for the kids than does being in a monogamous household.

Ronda Kaysen: Most nights, Matt Bullen’s 7-year-old son sleeps at home with his mom and dad, except for the nights when he sleeps at his dad’s girlfriend’s house. The arrangement works well because his mom’s boyfriend lives there, too. Actually, his mom’s boyfriend is married to his dad’s girlfriend. Confused? Don’t worry, that’s just par for the course in polyamorist households.

Polyamory — the notion that committed love relationships can involve more than two consenting adults — is a bit like swinging, with one key difference: Love and commitment are  the focus, not sexual hookups. For some, polyamorous relationships involve three or more adults, and no other new partners ever enter the equation. For others, polyamory becomes an even more fluid family dynamic.

Complete article can be found at Mom Logic

Well polyamory of a sort.  I was watching the Daily Show last evening when they did a story on gays wanting not only marriage rights but the right to get divorced.  In their true comedic style, they were doing an exaggerated story about a minister who opposes gays getting divorced  “No Gay Out – Jason Jones believes that God Intended man and woman to be stuck in a loveless union, not gays” .  They threw in how gay marriage hurt sthe sanctity of marriage between men and women and started interviewing a couple about how they felt about gay divorce.  The couple said they believed in “equality under the law” and did not have a challenge with gay divorce.  The reporter then asked how the husband’s girlfriend felt about it and panned the camera back to show a woman on the man’s other side holding hands.  I was floored and cracking up.  In true Daily Show style it quickly went down hill from there as the reporter dimmed the lights and they then cut to the triad in bed with the reporter standing over them holding a dildo.

It was very funny though I am not totally sure it is good.  Still the Daily Show has an audience of millions, it is about comedy and the entire skit was a satire on the right wings ridiculous arguments against gay marriage.  This kind of media shows people are noticing open relationships.  You can watch the show at http://www.thedailyshow.com/ .

So yes the concept has made it to the big time The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Please share your reactions with us.

Robyn Trask, Director of Loving More, will be a guest on Defy the Box Radio tinight January 12, 9:00pm eastern time.  You can tun in if you wish at defytheboxradio.com.

Here is the information from their website;  Loving More : Living a Polyamorous Life Robyn Trask from Loving More will be here to discuss what this life choice is really all about.

If you listen in, we would love to hear your comments.

Media interest in polyamory is increasing and we have need currently for poly people willing to talk to the press.  In the past few days I have been contacted by five different media people for stories on polyamory.  We are looking for the following, poly people in the bay area of California, 20 and 30 something poly men are two very specific needs.  One of these is for NBC another for an online magazine.  We are looking for poly families, networks and singles for another TV Documentary.

We have one inquiry from Discovery Health that I myself am not sure about but I will put it out here.  They do a show “Pregnant and ….”. They are looking for a pregnant poly woman.  I told them it was not likely but I would put it out there.

If anyone is interested in doing some media please let us know.  The current list we have is a bit outdated.  Remember before you do any media check out the organization inquiring.  If they often do shows with lots of angst and drama that is probably what they are planning.  We will check all these out and give our experienced feedback and recommendations.  We always like to keep in mind any media is a reflection on the community as a whole to the world and we like to help programs we feel will help the movement not make it a freak show.  What we do need is diversity of people from young to old, Christian to Pagan, singles to networks, childless to toddlers, gay, straight, male, female and everything in between.

Contact Robyn Trask, Loving More

970-667-5683

When I first heard the Tiger Woods hoopla, I ignored it as just another gossip fest about someone famous.  A few days later, I was personally dismayed when I saw Tiger Woods leading the headlines in USA Today while a story about four police officers being killed in Washington State was not as important.  The officers, it was believed, were targeted while sitting in a coffee shop.  This was only a headline with the story somewhere in the pages within while Tiger Woods possible infidelity had text on the front page and a bigger headline.  Are the American people really so twisted in their reality that we care more about the, at the time, alleged infidelity of a sports super star then of the shooting of men who serve the public?  People cry out in message boards about Tiger and his “immoral” behavior and barely notice the story of police officers being targeted in a shooting.  I find this to be the sorry state we find our culture in and I wonder if this fascination with infidelity is the same reason people find polyamory so challenging.

This prompted me to take a look at the stories and rumors circling and find out what was being said.  This revelation of Tiger Woods cheating falls on the heels of numerous infidelities by celebrities and politicians.  Each time one of these stories hits, the media jumps on it like ravenous dogs.  This is because people seem to have an appetite for gossip on infidelity.  People are poised to name call and point fingers every time some celebrity we have put on an impossibly high pedestal does something wrong, especially when it involves sex.  Since media is totally in it for the money these days it makes sense, sex sells.

In all of these articles and revelations of infidelity by prominent and apparently upstanding men there is harsh judgment of the men, their values, their morals and even their worth, but no one ever questions that there might be an underlying issue behind the constant straying.  Despite what extensive and numerous studies have shown that our nature as humans is to stray, very few in the mainstream media raise the question of monogamy itself being the problem.  If we look at some of the important and respected men who have shaped our history and even women, we find many are philanderers; Benjamin Franklin, John F. Kennedy, Thomas Jefferson, Elizabeth I, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt to name a few.  The empirical evidence has shown and continues to show that animals, including humans, are not monogamous.  The constant headlines of infidelity seem to support this and yet despite all the data people are shocked and outraged.  And no one in the mainstream appears capable of talking about this intelligently, especially the media.

In 2007 my family and I appeared on the Montel Williams Show about “alternative families”.  The show consisted of a woman who was a porn star and prostitute, a family who ran a naturist resort and us.  The audience was more challenged by polyamory and open relationships than anything else.  I find this is often the case when polyamory comes up in the conversation.  People will puff up and look indignantly saying it is just wrong.  I actually understand this.  Our culture has programmed us to believe monogamy = love = commitment and is the only valid relationship model, for many the only model period.  Cheating betrays trust and hurts people in many ways.  The gap that most people can’t seem to bridge is that polyamory is not cheating, it is not about deceit and it involves serious commitment.  When you talk of polyamory as an alternative to monogamy many people only visualize cheating.

On a few occasions we will see mainstream media look at the issue and conclude that, despite the facts, monogamy is more desirable, more evolved and what we humans should strive for.  We are given this skewed picture of limited choices; monogamy, cheating or staying single.  Most people will pick monogamy since most people want to be with someone and want to be honest.  There is little to no discussion or suggestion that there might be something else possible; a way of relating beyond monogamy and infidelity.  Committed relationships in which people are honest and open to other partners, or polyamory, is not even part of most people’s thought process.

As a young woman I never considered I had another choice despite the fact that I was often in love with and seeing more than one person.   In the back of my mind I knew at some point I had to choose one person and settle down.  Anything else was not even considered as it never entered my mind that I could do something else.  When I did finally come to terms with the fact I was not monogamous by nature and that I no longer would lie about it, I believed that it meant I would be single and alone.  For me I preferred that scenario to monogamy or cheating.

If our society recognized another possibility, another option, how many people would choose non-monogamy?  We have what has been coined “compulsory monogamy” in our culture.  Monogamy permeates our literature, music, movies and education.  Entertainment media is full of love triangles, jealous rages and unfaithful spouses that always end in pain and hurt for those involved.  We even go so far as to make jealous rage an excusable reason for violence and murder.  This all makes for dramatic stories and gossip but where would we be as a culture if people were given another image, another possibility?  Would Tiger Woods  have chosen something else if it was culturally acceptable?  Maybe, maybe not, but at least it would have been a conscious choice.  Can we truly judge a man or woman for seeking sex outside a marriage when we give no other choice and most people are not naturally monogamous?

Polyamory, open relationships and swinging can come in many different configurations but these relationships share something in common.  They are about choosing what relationship configuration works for you, consciously and honestly.  Infidelity is hurtful but this is more about betraying trust than about the sex.  Infidelity can be sexual or emotional and can happen in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships.    It is really about not being honest and lying about relationships outside a committed partnership.  Unfortunately this happens often in monogamy because we as a society in general do not know how to talk about emotions, desire and sexual needs.

Polyamory and other open relationship styles do require commitment and agreements.  People in these relationships need to develop skills in negotiating boundaries and agreements as well as communicating their needs honestly.  It is important to understand and recognize that people change, needs change and renegotiation is important in growing a relationship.  Monogamous relationships also need these skills.  In traditional monogamy however people often make assumptions that their partner wants what they want and they never actually ask.   As a result these relationships go into a kind of auto pilot of day to day routine and many times people negate their needs, fail to communicate and become resentful.  While multi-partnered relationships can have similar challenges, it is less common and by the nature of dealing with many people, things usually go south much faster when people fail to communicate honestly.

What would happen if relationship choice was part of our cultural makeup?  What if people learned to be honest and communicate their desires?  I know an awareness of choices would have made a world of difference in my life and my feelings about myself as a young woman.   Would the Tiger Woods of the world choose something different?  I believe many people would, though not all.  I know that some people would consciously choose monogamy and not simply default into monogamy.  Other people would choose swinging, polyamory or some other arrangement.  I know others would still cheat simply for the thrill of getting away with something.  Having choices would not get rid of infidelity but it might reduce it significantly.  Having choices would save many people from the pain and hurt of broken trust and/or forcing oneself to be monogamous when it is not ones desire or nature to be so.

My hope is that all this media frenzy over infidelity and cheating initiates a real dialogue and an awareness of relationship choice will begin to emerge.  Of course I am an optimist looking for anything that brings attention to the outdated mind set of one size fits all relationships.  We can accept that some people like to live in Manhattan while others prefer a Nebraska farm in the middle of nowhere.   I believe we can learn to respect that some people want a monogamous relationship for all time while others might want to commit to a network of twenty lovers.  Relationships and the choices we make about them should be as unique as the people involved and can be when made with awareness, honestly and communication.

I personally wish Tiger and his family find the solutions that are right for them.  I do not think less of him or more for that matter.  He is a great golfer and sportsman.  His personal relationships and marriage are none of my business.  I hope that we can move on and the media can cover something that really matters like the continuing casualties in Iraq or the challenges with American jobs going overseas.  These are things are worthy of our time and consideration.

CNN ran an article online Wednesday, October 28, called Mate Debate: Is Monogamy Realistic? (http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/10/28/monogamy.realistic.today/index.html)  The article mentions polyamory which is another example of the growing mainstream interest in the subject.  I agree though with Alan of Polyamory in the News (http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/) said  “I just wish the subject had been treated more as a positive expansion of love in its own right, rather than as a workaround for monogamy’s failures.”  The article talks about perceptions in other countries about sex and infidelity stating that Americans tend to be the most uptight and judging.  It was interesting however that in light of all the evidence the article ended with “Mongamy’s payoffs”. I see this over and over again in the US media, they tentatively bring up the subject of infidelity and non-monogamy, talk about the studies, challenges and evidence that monogamy for most is not working and they conclude with some reason about why monogamy is better, healthier or good for society and children.  In this particular article they talked about the need for trust and security.

Most of these articles only mention polyamory and say that it is challenging and difficult but what about the upside.  Certainly poly relationships have their challenges as do monogamous ones.  What I think many people do not realize when looking at how polyamory works or doesn’t work is the learning curve involved and the learning of new way to think about our needs, communication and even honesty.

Most of us can remember the agony of dating as a young adult or teen.  Most people do not take to dating or relationships naturally; they experience growing pains and drama.  This is true of people new to polyamorous dating as well.  The challenge is many people who dip their toes in the poly pool, do so as adults.  They come to explore and falsely believe as adults they are equipped to handle the emotions that come with poly dating and exploring.  What they don’t realize is that just like dating when they were younger, they will experience unfamiliar and challenging emotions that will create similar drama to when they first experienced romantic relationships.  It is normal but many do not realize or allow themselves to grow through these emotions and experiences.

When we are a teen or young adult and we feel jealousy, hurt, excitement and pain of loss, we can often turn to an older sibling, parent or other person to talk about these emotions.  Our mother will tell us this is just part of the process of growing up and relating as an adult.  People around us often support us through the process of learning relationship skills and offer advice.  As people explore poly, many do not expect it to be challenging like this.  When they are hit by the whirlwind of conflicting emotions they don’t often have someone to talk to who has gone through this.  Their partner is usually dealing with their own emotional chaos and not always the best person to help you through this learning curve.  As more books are written, advice available and support from family because of acceptance, I believe the success rate and stability of these relationships will go up.

We know and understand there are challenges to open relating much of it from our cultural programming but what about the good side of polyamory?  What are the perks and why is it that the mainstream media rarely covers the perks?

In the CNN article they talked about monogamy providing for our need for trust and security.  It is true that humans need to feel a sense of security and trust with their partners.  This can come with monogamy and polyamory.  Polyamory can provide a venue for profound honesty, intimacy and security.  As I have moved through the growing pains of polyamory I have grown to appreciate the security of knowing the truth of my partner’s desires, needs and that they will tell me when they are interested in being with or loving another person.  The more my partner shares this with me, experiences connection with others and still spends time loving me, the more secure in the relationship I am.  When I know that he or she will tell me what they are feeling for me and for others, and then trust grows as does intimacy in a profound way.  My security comes from knowing my partner or partners are with because they truly want to be there, not out of duty, obligation or for the kids.

Polyamory can expand our experiences of love, physical and emotional intimacy, community and support.  Poly relationships can be secure and a great place to raise kids.  Most people come to explore polyamory as an alternative to monogamy, many find much more.  People often find a sense of community and extended family.  Sexual and pleasure bonding with other people brings connection and trust among a group of individuals that goes deeper than simple friendships.  Even when we speak of the very common V-triad, the connection can extend beyond the hinge person (the person in relationship with two people not involved with each other) and the two people not sexually or romantically involved can have an intimacy with each other they do not have with others.  This is directly because of the shared intimacy with the person who is the hinge of that V.  This does not always happen but when it does it can form a deep bond between all three people.  This extends as a possibility from quads to networks of intimate and romantic relationships.

I believe for many poly folks, myself included; polyamory offers connection and extended family that many of us are missing in the nuclear family/monogamy model.  We live in a culture that can isolate families.  The US population is very mobile, moving for careers, relationships and just to be somewhere new.  We often do not live close to family or we do not feel a close connection to our family.  There was time when we lived with and around extended family.  We had grandparents, aunts, uncles and such for support, to help with family needs and child rearing.  Now most people live far away from their family of origin, grandparents are often retirees ready to enjoy life rather than help raise children, careers demand we be mobile and we have been sold the idea of an independent nuclear family.  Church can replace the need for extended family for some but if you are not religious there are few alternatives to finding the support that more adults can bring.  Combine this need for connection of extended family with people’s basic nature of intimate connection beyond their partner and polyamory can become a great solution for many.

This is not to say that for some people monogamy is the best choice, it is for many.  What polyamory as a movement is saying is that there is a workable option.  There is an option of love, of cultivating intimate and sexual bonds that bring with them security, trust, love, support and family.  We have more than one option for finding security, love, long term companionship, positive environment for children and something that can strengthen our society.  It is possible to accept polyamory without rejecting monogamy.  Both forms of relationship structure are valid and possible.  Both take honesty, sensitivity to others needs, trust, communication and love.

I do not believe open relationships, polyamory, swinging or Polyfidelity will replace monogamy.  I do see hope in the fact that polyamory and other open relationship styles are becoming more talked about as a possibility.  I understand this is scary for some people and that mainstream media does not want to seem as if they support anything other than monogamy for fear of the backlash.  Still amid the propaganda of family values and shunning of cheating spouses, open relationships and polyamory are expanding people’s possibilities.  This movement is growing and shows little chance of slowing down anytime soon.  People want to have loving relationships that work and for many this means looking for alternative to monogamy or the painful practice of serial monogamy, divorce and the judgments that often comes with it.

Polyamory for me has brought challenges but more it has brought wonderful perks.  I have grown as a human being and as a partner to those I love.  I have experienced wonderful intimacy with men and women, found community and extended family.  I have learned to look within myself first and then to speak as honestly as I can about my needs and desires.  I have met amazing people and I feel blessed to have an expanded family of choice.  My kids have learned amazing lessons by being a part of mine and their father’s journey.  They communicate their needs very well and take responsibility for their choices and actions.  And yes it has even brought stability and security to my life and the lives of my children.  I am very glad to see the awareness expanding and can only hope it will continue and eventually become as acceptable and normal as monogamy is.

The French show Effet Papillon(The Butterfly Effect) Canal Plus films did a show on polyamory partly filmed at the Loving More Retreat in September.  The show is in French but looks fairly positive.   It has been posted to You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCjghdk_pE8 .

I personally enjoyed working with the French Film crew and I appreciate their sensitivity in blurring out people who did not want to be seen.  We are hoping to get a translated version in the future or a transcript translated.  We will post it when we do.  They did tell me it would be a while before they got it to me.

It is obvious to me that ABC news had no interest in having an intelligent adult discussion on the subject of why so many people across all cultural lines, religious background and nationalities have extra marital relationships or cheat.  If they did they would not have set up a talk about fidelity, sex and marriage in an evangelical church.  The setting certainly was dramatic and sensational but it is not objective or in my opinion worthy of what used to be a very good current affairs news show.

What I found interesting was the constant referral to the Bible and “Marriage as God designed it”, though it is expected given the setting.  Christians did not invent marriage and many cultures around the world have marriages that do not fit Evangelical version of marriage.   Why do we need to constantly ask the evangelical minister what marriage is?  Marriage, I believe in this country, is currently sanctioned by the government and I do remember that our constitution was resolute about separation of church and state.  To define marriage by the Bible is to put one religion above others and to bring the state into the business of dictating personal beliefs.  Furthermore, the argument of GOD designed marriage has little to do with the scientific fact that humans and other animals are often not wired for monogamy.  This is a fact and one we as a culture need to discuss in a mature and thoughtful manor.   We need to be discussing alternatives to cheating, lying and betraying the trust of those we love.

I must say as a person who has studied the Bible both in high school and in college I would prefer a discussion that leaves the term adultery out all together.  Adultery in the Bible sense is the adulterating of a man’s bloodline by another man having sex with his wife (his property).   The traditional marriage that most people think of is one that came out of the fifties in the USA, it is not the Bible tradition.  In Biblical times marriage was an exchange of property from one man, a woman’s father, to another man, who became her husband.  Polygyny is found throughout the Bible and fidelity only applied to married women or a man’s property.

Cheating in our culture is a problem.  It can be emotionally devastating for all parties involved.  There is real pain when we find someone we love and trust has lied to us and has been deceitful.  It can bring up insecurity, anger, hatred, jealousy and many other challenging emotions.   It is hurtful and those who cheat feel guilt and anguish over their own behavior.  Cheating and loss of trust can crumble families and hurt kids.  It is worthy of serious and hard discussion.   Good people, who fully understand the challenge, feel pulled to connect with another person emotionally and/or sexually.   If we take the Bible out of the discussion we can have a frank discussion about cheating and the loss of trust when we deceive our partners. How about real discussion about learning honesty, allowing openness and recognizing the tendency of humans towards non-monogamy?

Polyamory is one option that for some people can solve this challenge.  It was great to see Jenny Block on the show speaking to this.  She was articulate and spoke of possibilities beyond monogamy.  Jenny made it clear that in her view open marriage was not cheating and that different people have different needs in relationships.  When the host asked the pastor weather Jenny was cheating his reply was a bit frightening.   He basically said she was wrong for her open marriage, that is was adultery.  He went on to say that he had all the right answers because his world view was that of Gods and we should all have to live by “God’s creation of marriage”.  Basically any other way is not valid since, according to him, God ordained and created marriage and man has no right to change it.  This need to force one’s own belief system on others makes my head spin (I think Jenny was feeling this too).  I really want to know what  the great need is for some people to homogenize our world and create one size fit all way to live, love and be human.  There are wonderful options people can explore beyond cheating; polyamory, swinging, open relationships and other possibilities.  It is my hope that at some point an honest adult discussion will take place and I challenge any major network to have the balls to host such a discussion without the obvious set up for sensationalist journalism.

My thanks to Jenny Block for the courage to be out and public as a polyamorous person and parent.  I know the challenges that can come from being so public.  She is an example to us all of what is needed to help facilitate a discussion about real possibilities and solutions to modern relationships and family.  Jenny did a great job of holding her own in a hostile environment.  I challenge our community to have her courage and to come out of the closet and show the world polyamory and other alternatives can work and even benefit healthy, happy relationships, marriages and families.

To see the aired version go to http://abcnews.go.com/nightline.   I do recommend watching the entire debate at  http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/10Commandments/affairs-cheating-nightline-face-off-debate-adultery-infidelity/story?id=8645026 .  Keep in mind that the videos are not in order but are numbered.   You will notice how the editing cuts out so many important points and information.