Loving More Polyamory Blog

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CU Boulder

On Wednesday April 7, 2010 at the Conference on World Affairs a panel presentation was being presented From Monogamy to Polyamory and Everything in Between.  Wow this is great that polyamory is being included in the Conference on World Affairs held annually at the University of Colorado in Boulder.  Just one problem, on the panel of “experts” there was not one person who really knew or understood polyamory.  The local polyamory group in Boulder caught wind of this via Amy Gahran and Loving More was contacted.  We decided we needed to attend this panel discussion.  Maybe it was not so bad, maybe one or two panel members did have knowledge but we just didn’t know them.  I went with an open mind hoping mine and the concerns of the community were unfounded.  Sadly they were not.

When I arrived the doors were closed and people wanting in would need to wait and see if anyone departed.  It was standing room only in the large auditorium with a large crowd waiting to get in.  I started talking to people who were waiting and most were there because they were interested in this discussion that included polyamory.  Polyamory was what brought many of them there.

After about ten minutes the crowd waiting had thinned and several people left so we were able to duck in to the panel.  The panel was still introducing themselves and they were on the second panelist.  Each panelist talked about how their personal experiences made them experts in this subject.  Mostly they talked about their own background either professionally or with relationships.  All were monogamous and all talked about monogamy and infidelity.  Three barely mentioned polyamory in passing and one stated polyamory made sense biologically but he was not sure it could work logistically.  This was the only positive thing said about polyamory by any of the panelists.  At best they were unfamiliar with polyamory and at worst they were condescending making statements about how polyamory is impractical or not socially acceptable and therefore people would not really consider it.

As they finished their introductions they opened the forum to questions.  They called on a young woman behind me; she asked if polyamory could be a solution for couples with children who want to stay together but are no longer romantically compatible.  The panelists seemed dumbfounded and when one finally answered he said something to the effect that it probable was not a reasonable solution.  In the panel of so called experts they continually pushed polyamory off to the margins.  It was subtle and they were not even aware of their own prejudices or that they were doing it.  I asked why a panel discussion that included polyamory had no one in the panel who knew anything about polyamory when there are many people available to speak to this issue.  People applauded when I asked the question.  The panel  understandably  became a bit defensive and said they felt they were doing fine They asked if they had misrepresented things and I said yes, that polyamory was a growing movement with thousands if not millions of  people involved successfully across the country and around the world.    I had a chance to clarify a few things to the group and let people know there was quality information available (much of which I had with me and gave out).

The panelists it seems were chosen by the organizers and therefore not responsible for the lack a of knowledgeable polyamory panelists.  On one hand I agree with this and on the other I take a different stand.  When I was asked to speak on the spectrum of non-monogamous relating styles including swinging, I made an effort to learn.  I am not a swinger and though I know more than the average person, I am no expert on swinging.  I did some research before speaking and learned what I could so I could speak intelligently about the subject.  This was not terribly hard since though swinging and polyamory are at different ends of the open relationship spectrum, they share many of the same challenges.  The point is I educated myself so I could represent swinging in a real and viable way.  So to me the panelist share some responsibility.  Get educated or tell the organizers to include a person who is truly an expert on the subject.

This incident is not isolated.  Unfortunately it happens all the time, most notably in the media.   The worst are the talk shows like Oprah and others.  When Oprah included open relationships on a show on sexuality her so called expert knew nothing about polyamory or open relationships.  The “expert” pursed her lips and spouted how open relationships never work because like in cheating people can’t get past jealousy.  In my experience both personally and working with clients it is broken trust that people have so much trouble overcoming.  This may lead to or involve jealousy but it is rebuilding trust after infidelity that ultimately kills the relationship when a spouse has cheated.  Polyamory and swinging are built on trust and are not cheating.

On Montel in 2007 in a show on alternative families one of the experts was the judge from divorce court.  She compared kids raised in polyamory to single mothers on welfare who have a new boyfriend every month and give that man authority over their kids.  On the same show Montel stated that just a very small fraction of less than one percent of the population would ever have an interest in polyamory.  I objected saying I disagreed and when he asked the audience at least twenty five percent raised their hand saying they would be interested in a multi-partnered relationship.  This part of course never aired.

These are examples from just two shows and it happens in all kinds of venues.  I wonder why it is that seemingly educated well versed people are so ignorant.  It would be one thing if they were out there saying “gee, I don’t know if polyamory can work”, versus expertly speaking to polyamory as if it never works and never will.  In one recent story, where Jenny Block was interviewed by a local Dallas station, the expert was a marriage counselor who said he did not know of anyone who had a successful open relationship and that open relationships didn’t work.  In the same show they are talking with Jenny Block who has been in an open relationship for 12 or so years.  It is as if having their “expert” commentator validates that someone like Jenny is a fluke and we really do not need to take these open relationships serious.  What it really speaks to is the undeniable ignorance and unwillingness to learn about a growing movement and the viability of relationships outside the box of monogamy and the nuclear family.

Poly Pride in Central Park

People often fear what they do not understand.  Polyamory and other open relationships make many people uncomfortable.  Many have enough problems making one relationship work while others may have desired or loved more than one person but they denied themselves.  Either way I believe that in part open relating is marginalized in the mainstream because it challenges people at their core.  When you examine polyamory and swinging closely it is hard to find a reason that it is wrong.  These relationships are built on honesty, being real, sharing fantasies, love and commitment and the people involved are often normal happy people.  It is easier for people to marginalize open relating because if it is not marginal it might open the door to question monogamy.  People might have to question whether they have the kind of relationship they want and that might lead to guilt, shame, jealousy and a myriad of deep emotions most people do not really want to look at.  By saying it doesn’t work or is really just a few weirdoes on the fringe of society then people do not have to peak out of the box and possibly rock the boat of their lives.

It is really up to us, Loving More and the greater polyamory community to educate and speak up especially when experts who are not experts marginalize open relationships; perhaps even writing in to Oprah or Hollywood producers who misrepresent polyamory, swinging and other choices beyond monogamy.  If you hear something on the radio or TV that is misinformation, let us know.  Become aware of what is being said around you and don’t be afraid to speak up or if you can’t safely find someone who can.  Give out the Polyamory Info/FAQ brochure, it is available free.  Let us speak out together and inform the world that open relationships can work and be wonderfully rich, satisfying, deeply intimate and nurturing.

Jumping for joy!

We are overjoyed to announce that Loving More’s pending 501c(3) non-profit status has been approved and the status is retroactive to May 2006.  This means we are officially a tax deductible charitable organization dating back to May 2006.  The non-profit status allows us to apply for both public and private grants, receive tax deductible donations and exempts us from most sales tax requirements.  Loving More now has to apply for Colorado State Tax Exemption which will simply be submitting the 501(c)3.

Tax deductible donations can only be taken for the year in which the donations were made.  For those who may have contributed over $1,000 and who itemize your tax return, it may be worth filing an amended return for previous years donations.  Contact your accountant or the IRS directly to find out what your options are. (www.irs.gov)

In addition to this great news, we here at Loving More have moved into our own office.  The office is a shared space with room to teach classes and workshops.  The space serves as both an office and a center for polyamorous relationships.  We will hold our first discussion group in the new class space for the Colorado poly community on Tuesday March 30 at 7:00pm.  We will also have a Grand Opening on April 10 at 1:30pm.

This is a really big step forward for Loving More and for the poly community.  Now more than ever we need your help in meeting our financial goal of raising $30,000 in donations.  We have raised thus far this year $8,075 but we have a long way to go.

We are also seeking help from people who have experience in applying for grants.  Please contact us at 970-667-5683 if you have knowledge of grant writing or finding suitable grants.

Donations are a big help.   DONATE

Hats off to Reid Mihalko for doing a phenomenal job heading up the third Poly Leadership Summit.  The Summit took place just after Poly Living Philadelphia.   The Summit was put together somewhat last minute and Reid stepped forward to help organize and facilitate.

Sunday night started off with some fun and time to let go after a weekend of intense workshops.  Monday it was down to business of really defining why we are all here and how we can work together. For me it felt like we made so much progress.  Last year, in which I was part of the organizing committee, seemed a bit over organized and structured.  It was a good start.  This year though it felt like we made progress toward both working together as a movement and making progress on specific projects.

I look forward to the next Summit which we are intending to be on the West Coast in the fall.  Keep an eye out for details.  If you are interested in poly activism you can contact me and I will direct you to the right people.

Poly Living in Philly last month was phenomenal from the amazing presenters and workshops to the smiling faces of the many people attending for the first time.

Friday night opened with a fund video showcasing the comedic side of polyamory with clips from different TV shows.  Reid Mihalko kept people laughing with a great keynote and set the stage for the weekend.  We were blessed with a great group of work exchange people that helped to keep the weekend running smoothly.  People left with knowledge, smiles, warm hearts and new connections which are always our goal in producing events for the community.

We thank all of you who participated, attended, presented and lent your energy to this conference.  Without all the pieces Poly Living would not be what it is.  I know George Marvil would be proud.

Keep your eyes open for the annoucement of Poly Living West coming to Seattle this fall.

Compersion or Jealousy?

I hear it all the time and everywhere when the subject of Polyamory comes up, “what about jealousy?” or “do poly people get jealous” or the declaration, “I can’t deal with jealousy so I could never be in an open relationship”.  At times these repeated questions and statements are heard so often that many poly people have almost rehearsed speeches to talk to people or reporters about poly and jealousy.

I was reading an article this morning, as is often true the article stated that “jealousy is human nature” and of course this is why polyamory and/or open relationships can’t work.  Jealousy is certainly a part of human nature but if we allowed the fear of the emotion of jealousy stop us from doing certain things, most of us would not have made it through kindergarten.   The truth is that we as human beings can and do experience jealousy.  This started me thinking about the adult avoidance of jealousy and the hypocrisy of many people’s attitudes when it comes to jealousy.  Yes, most human beings deal with jealousy from the time we are small children and we learn both to deal with it and to overcome it.

Jealousy is a strong and often painful emotion.  As children we are told by loving adults to get over it and/or deal with it.  How often do parents say to a young child, “Cindy, don’t be selfish, share your toys with your little brother.”  When our kids experience serious challenge with jealousy, whether it is a new member of the family or sharing toys with the neighbor kids, we as adults try to help them.  We do not tell them to horde their toys or decide not to have another child to save our kid from the emotional pain of jealousy.  In fact the opposite is true, we will put our children into situations we know challenge them in hopes they will learn to deal with the emotions and be a well rounded person.  Most parents do their best to teach their children a balance between boundaries and sharing.  We expect children as young as two or three to deal with this painful emotion and move through it.

The irony is sometimes so astounding to me when I hear someone proclaim that humans just can’t get past jealousy.   Even as adults, we have to learn sometimes to deal with jealousy.  Perhaps our spouse has a demanding job and they love it.  We want them to be happy but we may feel jealous that the job is taking them away.  Maybe your best friend loves to golf and you hate it, then they meet someone who also loves to golf and become close friends leaving you feeling left out.  Human beings may be jealous by nature but they are also intelligent and can work or move through these emotions.

Why is it in our culture that in our romantic sexual relationships we condone acting like the three year old when we feel jealousy?  Jealousy can even be used as a defense for assault.  When a sexual partner strays or cares for someone else, it as if we accept bad behavior because they were jealous.  Yet the pain of possibly losing a friend to golf or a husband to his work can be just as painful.  No one, however, would condone a person vandalizing someone’s car or smashing in their window while they are driving.  This is no different than the child who pushes over his little sister and grabs her toy.  Many would say it is because the stakes are higher but to a two year old that toy is high stakes.

If we expect a two year old to learn and move through jealousy, then how is so hard to imagine that a group of adults have chosen to do the same?  It is not always easy and it can be painful.  You can feel like that two year old who just lost his toy forever as you sit crying and looking over at the brat who has taken your toy.  If we sit with these feelings, don’t judge them and allow ourselves to grow and learn, we can move through it.  This can be made easier when our partner, just like our parents did as children, comfort and reassure us while allowing us the opportunity to grow.

I continue to be baffled by the looks of disbelief when I say many poly people use jealousy as a tool to grow.  That they learn to move through it and that over time it does get easier.  Why is this such a hard concept?  I know that many adults in our world avoid emotional pain at all costs.  Emotions are the water of life and like water, become polluted when stagnant.  Embracing difficult emotions instead of avoiding them keeps the water flowing and life moving forward.  Polyamory can certainly do this but there are many other ways.  Polyamory is just one way and it is not for everyone, but jealousy is a poor excuse for declaring polyamory does not work.  If poly is not your cup of tea then it is ok to own that and say so, you don’t need to explain or make any excuses.

Jealousy is an emotion about insecurity.  It gives us insight into ourselves and information we can use to feel better about who we are.

The next time you hear someone say that poly can never work because of jealousy, ask them if they learned to share their toys with the other kids as a child.  Yes, jealousy exists in polyamorous relationships along with love, understanding, compassion, sharing and compersion.  This is what makes it so worth experiencing for many people; to move through emotions to a place of connection and love and wait for the next wave to crash.

Robyn Trask of Loving More interviewed, along with several other awesome poly’s, for an article on raising kids in poly families by  Mom Logic.  The article is actually nice.  As is typical many of the comments are scathing.

Excerpt

For some, being polyamorous provides more love and support for the kids than does being in a monogamous household.

Ronda Kaysen: Most nights, Matt Bullen’s 7-year-old son sleeps at home with his mom and dad, except for the nights when he sleeps at his dad’s girlfriend’s house. The arrangement works well because his mom’s boyfriend lives there, too. Actually, his mom’s boyfriend is married to his dad’s girlfriend. Confused? Don’t worry, that’s just par for the course in polyamorist households.

Polyamory — the notion that committed love relationships can involve more than two consenting adults — is a bit like swinging, with one key difference: Love and commitment are  the focus, not sexual hookups. For some, polyamorous relationships involve three or more adults, and no other new partners ever enter the equation. For others, polyamory becomes an even more fluid family dynamic.

Complete article can be found at Mom Logic

Dossie Easton, Reid Mihalko and Robyn Trask

Programs are being printed, name badges made and boxes shipped.  Excitement and anticipation are building as we are just nine days away from Poly Living 2010, February 19-21, Fort Washington, PA.  Poly Living is a good way to break up the long winter and escape to a place full of ideas, warmth and open hearts.  I always look forward to connecting with the community at Poly Living.  Every year I love connecting with people; people I have known for years and people I am meeting for the first time.  Always I walk away from a conference having made new connections with wonderful people.  It is a great feeling to have the opportunity to meet the amazing people, old and new, who make up this awesome community.

We invite you all to join us for a weekend of fun, learning and friendship.  We have a wonderful array of presentations and presenters all eager to see that you get the most out of Poly Living.   (Poly Living can make a great Valentines surprise)

Leaders and Activists are Getting Together after Poly Living.

Poly Leadership Summit March 2009

Loving More is playing host to the third Polyamory Leadership Summit being organized by Reid Mihalko and the Polyamory Leadership Network, February 21-22, 2010.  Anyone interested in polyamory activism is welcome to join in.

For complete information on joining the Leadership Summit go to 2010 Poly Leadership Summit

I look forward to the love, laughter and community of Poly Living.  Hope to see you there!!!

Poly Living Group Discount

Discount of 10% when three people register together, use coupon code PL103.  Recieve 15% when four or more register together, use coupon code PL104.