Loving More Polyamory Blog

Polyamory sends visions of orgies and free love to most people who first hear the term and definition. Even after careful explanation to the uninitiated, they still walk away thinking polyamory equals f***ing anything that moves. This belief that polyamory is about sex is what send people into a frenzy about morality, commitment and family values. The Montel show did a wonderful show on polyamory but when one of the poly guests compared polyamory love to loving children and the ability to love more than one he made the statement “But I don’t have sex with my children”. In our culture we are sex obsessed and sex phobic. This obsession, according to most people, means sex changes everything.

American culture is challenged when it comes to sex and this generates much confusion. Sex is an important part of many romantic relationships but it is not the end all and be all. Sex has been equated with romantic love for centuries and, in more recent years, with monogamous marriage and commitment. Sex, love, romance and intimacy are not all the same thing and you can have one without the other.

Polyamory is more about romance and love than sex. The non-poly world just does not seem to get it; it’s not about the sex. Yes, poly relationships include sex but just like monogamous ones people are there for love, romance, intimacy and numerous other reasons. Sex is often an important component but it is not by any means the focus and sometimes it isn’t even there. But it is the sexual component that seems to evoke such passionate reactions to polyamory, swinging and other forms of alternative sexuality.

People are different in so many ways. They have different hobbies, interests, likes, dislikes and we all accept this. One person may love the water and boating and another loves rock climbing and mountaineering. People have diverse work interests, raise their kids a certain way and have preferences on where they live. This kind of diversity is not seen as right, wrong or even surprising in any way. Yet when it comes to sex and romantic relationships, we have this narrow parameter of what is acceptable behavior. We accept change and fluidity in every other aspect of life and then seek to box in love, sex and intimacy, the very things we should expect the most freedom with.

We would never tolerate our personal choices in work or where we live to be dictated by the neighbors or the government and yet, as a culture, we seek to control who a person loves, how they love, what sexual activities are accepted and even how many they can love. Why, one may ask, because of SEX. Gay marriage, gay relationships, bisexual relating, polyamorous relating all include sex and sex scares most people.

In the sixties and seventies our culture made a shift toward opening up sexually. The ideas of free love, swinging and the one night stand were being explored. Unfortunately so many of the young people exploring had been raised in families that had no communication, where masturbation was forbidden and no one talked about sex. Many were taught good girls were supposed to be pure and hold out their virginity for marriage like a bartering chip. Boys were supposed to push girls into submission. The same people who opened up the sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies also brought in their own bad habits as well as unconscious fears and shame. Many were like a kid in a candy store, enthralled and lacking the self control not to overdo it. Free love instead of coming from a place of love was often coming from a place of rebellion and need to fit in with peers. In many cases people, especially women, were pressured into swinging or sex when it was not right for them. As a culture we lacked the important skills or role models to handle free love.

Sex has been demonized, used as a weapon and made a sin, first by the church and now by society. People have suffered terrible shame, guilt and even pain about their sexual nature and their sexuality. These ideas about sex as sinful can wreak havoc on the unconscious mind and sabotage people’s attempts to free themselves and embrace their sexual nature. Part of this cultural programming is that when we “really” love someone we should only want sex with them. We are only allowed to experience this naughty pleasure in the boundaries of a “committed monogamous relationship”. This originally comes from religion and yet people, who have a completely different set of beliefs and values, from atheists to pagans, continue to perpetuate this boundary.

We as a culture exalt romantic sexual love to this sanctified realm. We say it is different from love for friends, siblings, parents and children. That because of the sexual component it has to be limited and you can only share this activity with one person. But as many people understand, and studies have shown, we are really talking about lust and it fades over time. The maddening lust of new relationships is replaced with long term love more akin to love of family and friends, though often deeper because of the deeper intimacy sex can bring in a relationship.

We know people are able to love many people. Sex is one component of a vast array of ways in which people connect. Why is it so hard to make the leap that people who love someone deeply, are committed to that connection and have a sexual relationship could also love another person as well and in the same way. Human beings do it all the time, they have an affair, they go from one relationship to another, often overlapping, and they often still have strong feelings for past lovers.

Perhaps this is why, in the end, polyamory is so damned scary for many people. Polyamorists admit the truth; they romantically and sexually love more than one person. They choose to do so honestly and openly despite the possible repercussions of lost jobs and threats to their children. Polyamorous people embrace what many people already feel but are afraid to acknowledge; love is free flowing and abundant.

Many poly people do get the opportunity to explore and embrace their sexuality. When the boundaries are removed within the support of a loving committed relationship then there is the opportunity to explore what excites you and what gives you pleasure without losing your lover. You can deepen intimacy through honesty and working your way past jealousy and insecurity. You can remain open to love, connections, attractions and become an explorer of your own sexual nature and what intimate relationships really mean for you. It is challenging, exciting and at times risky. You risk being hurt, being rejected, trying things that scare you and losing people you love. You can gain personal growth, insight, living life to the fullest and an abundance of love and relationships to share and/or dance in and out of your life. It is not easy and not for everyone.

Sex is a beautiful and natural expression of love and affection and it is good for you. We have made it into something fearful and shameful rather than celebrating the joy. The simple truth is polyamory has nothing and everything to do with sex. Polyamory is at the core, about loving romantic relationships. These relationships usually include sex but can also embrace deep intimate and romantic friendships without sex. They can be fabulous networks of sexy connections. They can also be a family with children and multiple parents; raising kids, sharing a home, doing chores and watching TV, hoping they might have time to squeeze in a little sex play between bedtime stories and passing out for the night. They are no different and no more about sex than any other relationship style.

Most poly people have experienced the phrase “But if you’re poly, you should have sex with me”. While I might want to yell “It’s not about the sex” the truth is, I am polyamorous and I am also picky. Just between you and me, with the kids, the house and balancing relationships, if I can find time I am much more interested in spending quality time with the partners I love then exploring sex with a random person I feel no connection with.

Supreme Court of Canada

This is an important issue for all of us.  The press release was sent to us from  Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association (CPAA).  You can see the original click here.

VANCOUVER — January 28, 2010 — Members of Canada’s polyamory community have applied to become an intervener in the B.C. government’s challenge of section 293 of the Criminal Code of Canada — Canada’s anti-polygamy law. The application, filed in BC Supreme Court yesterday, is on behalf of the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association (CPAA).

Polyamory, sometimes referred to as responsible or ethical non-monogamy, is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the consent of everyone involved. Section 293 forbids both polygamy and any kind of conjugal union with more than one person at the same time and as such infringes on people’s ability to practice polyamory if the relationships involve cohabitation.

“We believe that people should be free to practice polyamory free of any criminal liability, and that the Charter of Rights gives Canadians such freedom,” said CPAA legal counsel, John Ince.

“It is not appropriate for a law which prohibits loving, committed, consensual relationships to remain on the books, even if it not presently being enforced,” Ince continued.

Newsweek Magazine recently reported that polyamory is a thriving phenomenon in the United States, with over half a million families openly living in relationships that are between multiple consenting partners.¹ Polyamory is also a thriving phenomenon in Canada.

The CPAA, whose purpose is to promote legal, social, government, and institutional acceptance and support of polyamory in Canada, has called for people who practice a polyamorous lifestyle to step forward as potential witnesses, particularly if they are cohabiting with multiple partners.

“Trudeau once famously said ‘there is no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation’. Similarly, we believe that there is no place for the state in the kitchens and the front rooms of the nation,” said Zoe Duff, CPAA spokesperson.

“Adult women and men should be able to choose what form of intimate relationship they enter into and with whom they want to share their lives, even if it is more than one person,” Duff continued.

Polyamory contrasts with “patriarchal polygamy” practiced in religious communities such as Bountiful, B.C. where men have the right to marry or live with several women, but women have no right to marry or live with several men. Polyamory, on the other hand, is grounded in gender equality, self-determination, and free choice for all involved.

If the issues at communities such as Bountiful are alleged abuse (for example: the abuse of minors, abuse of authority, and marriages that are under age), the abuses should be prosecuted using existing laws that address such abuses.

The CPAA anticipates that his matter may go to the Supreme Court of Canada.

You can find articles and information by googling Canada Polygamy Ruling and by going to Polyamory and the News.

As we work to raise funds to keep Loving More going I thought about how Loving More as an organization has touched my life and I wanted to share it.  I hope this inspires you to share your experiences. ~~ Robyn Trask

For many of us in the poly community the road to multi-partnered loving is a complicated obstacle course of emotions and evolving awareness.  Loving More to me was a port in a storm of uncertainty.  At the age of 24 after several engagements and infidelity within my relationships I realized I was simply was not and did not want monogamy.  I wanted honesty, openness and freedom, mostly honesty with myself.  A long time friend and high school sweetheart and I started dating again.  We discovered we both wanted the same thing, an open relationship.  Neither of us was interested in sexual fidelity but we both wanted a committed relationship.  We had both desired and agreed to an open marriage.  The challenge was that neither one of us had any idea of how to really make that work nor even what it meant.  Open relationships can mean many things and for us we decided on a “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy.  Not surprising, it never really worked.  To me it was no different than cheating and the whole idea of having an open marriage for me was to be honest and open.

Robyn at age 24

I was married September 3, 1989 and my husband left to work in Japan December 1.  He would be there for at least six months and this was part of our reason for allowing each other sexual relationships outside our marriage.  I did get involved with an ex-lover but I felt terrible guilt and stopped seeing him.  Shortly after my husband returned I became involved with a mutual friend.  The challenge was I still had to be deceptive in order not to disclose what was going on and honor our agreement.  It was very challenging for me and the man I was involved with, so I again ended it and simply stopped seeing anyone.  I was still in touch with two lovers from my past that I still had strong relationships with but I did not allow it to go anywhere sexually.  I did not want to have to lie.

It was in 1996/97 that I discovered online discussion boards for non-monogamy.  I shared it with my hubby and we started talking.  It was here I learned the term polyamory and about swinging.  As a couple we explored the possibility of swinging and the more I learned the more I knew it was not for me.  I started to explore polyamory and learned about Loving More in early 1999.  My husband and I discovered the local community and about Loving More which was local.  We went to a Loving More meeting held by Ryam at the Boulder Library and it was like coming home.

Colorado Poly Community 2005

We met intelligent educated people.  They were normal nice people and I no longer felt like there was something seriously flawed in me.  I was amazed, as was my husband.  I had always felt like I was defective since I did not feel I could or wanted to be monogamous and this meeting helped me see I was not so strange or alone.  It was this meeting that really prompted us to change our agreements and open our marriage to honesty and polyamory.  Ryam also held a monthly women’s meeting that I attended.

Loving More opened my eyes to amazing possibilities in relating openly and honestly.  I found information, support and a community where I could be myself .  I started a mixed gender support group with a man, his partner and his partner’s partner with the support of Ryam and Mary.  It changed my life for the better in so many ways.  It was at times a scary journey.  It would not be until 2003 that I would attend my first Loving More conference and I would attend first the West Coast and then the East Coast Conference as a presenter.  I went by myself to both, as my marriage was not doing well at this time.  This was not easy.  I had to drive from Colorado to Washington state and drop my kids off with their dad then drive to California for the West Coast Conference.  I then went back to  Washington on Sunday drove to Colorado by Wednesday so I could catch a flight to Philadelphia on Thursday. I did not have much money and I slept in my car so I could afford to attend both.  I attended both because I really wanted to attend the West Coast and Mary really needed presenters for the East Coast.  With the conferences just a week apart it was a bit tricky to attend both.

The conference was life changing and I wish I had attended earlier.  The workshops were so helpful and made a real difference in how I handled myself and my relationships.  I grew so much.  Both conferences were amazing.  I made new connections and friends.  On the east coast I met Ben who I am still involved with today.  I also experienced this amazing community coming together to support a very personal and challenging journey.  I wrote about it in an article called Conference Gifts published in Loving More issue #34.

Annual Colorado Poly Campout

Loving More was a great source of support, personal growth and awareness for me as I came to embrace my own nature as a polyamorous person.   In 2004 when Loving More was in serious danger of going under I wanted to help.  Loving More is really too much for one person to run alone and Mary was a single mom with little to no help.  I was receiving calls and emails asking what was going on and whether Loving More was still going.  I did not understand why everyone was asking me.  I was running a monthly support group, an annual Thanksgiving gathering and an annual campout in Colorado so I assume that people thought I was somehow associated with Loving More.  I decided to see what I could do to help, I had even talked to a friend about starting a new organization if Loving More went under but I hated to see that happen.  I put together a list of volunteers and contacted Mary Wolf who had taken over Loving More in around 2002.  Mary agreed to meet me for lunch.

It was challenging.  Mary was a friend and I knew she was struggling with her position as Managing Editor of Loving More.  At lunch she told me she was burned out and just could not keep going.  This was a very challenging decision but she felt she needed to let Loving More go and sell the business.  I don’t know if she had me in mind at that time but I went home with my head spinning, I wanted Loving More, I wanted to salvage what was a great organization that had been there for me.  I decided to buy it from her not knowing how.  All I knew is I wanted Loving More to continue and thrive and I knew it would be very hard.

I refinanced my house taking out the equity to buy Loving More from Mary.  It was not the best business decision.  The business was in a deep hole and I was not sure it could recover.  It was however an amazingly good life decision.  I was not in a great financial position and I put what little I had into Loving More.   I went from being a homeschooling mom who worked a few hours a week to a mom working 60 to 80 hours a week.  I was essentially single at this time.  My husband had moved to Washington state in 2001.

Taking over Loving More put many things on the back burner.    I was half way through writing a book, my house was for sale and I removed it from the market and I had started a small business, New Visions Center for Personal and Spiritual Growth..   I felt I could make more difference with Loving More and I wanted to help support an organization that had been there for me and so many others.  It has challenged me in ways I never imagined and it is the hardest job I have ever had including raising children.   I am blessed to have had support from so many in the community and my family.

Loving More has touched so many people’s lives in a profound way.  I am honored that I have had the chance to be a part of it and give back.  I have met many wonderful people through Loving More and become involved with four amazing men, two of whom have become long term partners.  I know many people have had similar experiences.  It is this that drives me.  Helping people transform their lives is why I work so hard; it is why I have put thousands of dollars into Loving More and many long hours with no financial compensation.  The personal transformations I have witnessed are why I keep believing Loving More can change the world by teaching about choice in relationships.

East Coast Retreat 2007

I will say that Loving More has been an amazing journey that I hope continues for years to come but if we had to close our doors tomorrow I would have no regrets.  I might be challenged financially but my life has been enriched by all of you in this community, by the lives I have touched and those who have touched me and by all the great opportunities to learn and grow.  I am forever grateful to Loving More, to Ryam Nearing, Brett Hill and Mary Wolf for creating Loving More and entrusting it to me.  This is why I do what I do, Loving More has made an amazing difference in my life and I hope that as an organization we continue to help people and change the way the world sees open relationships.

We are a community and we want to hear from you.

• What are your experiences of Loving More and what does the Loving More organization mean to you.
• Has Loving More touched your life and in what way.
• Please leave or send us your comments/stories and we will share them in the magazine and the blog
• Do let us know if we can use your name or if you need anonymity.
• Share images and photos, just be sure that it is ok with anyone in them and that you have the copyright.

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Media interest in polyamory is increasing and we have need currently for poly people willing to talk to the press.  In the past few days I have been contacted by five different media people for stories on polyamory.  We are looking for the following, poly people in the bay area of California, 20 and 30 something poly men are two very specific needs.  One of these is for NBC another for an online magazine.  We are looking for poly families, networks and singles for another TV Documentary.

We have one inquiry from Discovery Health that I myself am not sure about but I will put it out here.  They do a show “Pregnant and ….”. They are looking for a pregnant poly woman.  I told them it was not likely but I would put it out there.

If anyone is interested in doing some media please let us know.  The current list we have is a bit outdated.  Remember before you do any media check out the organization inquiring.  If they often do shows with lots of angst and drama that is probably what they are planning.  We will check all these out and give our experienced feedback and recommendations.  We always like to keep in mind any media is a reflection on the community as a whole to the world and we like to help programs we feel will help the movement not make it a freak show.  What we do need is diversity of people from young to old, Christian to Pagan, singles to networks, childless to toddlers, gay, straight, male, female and everything in between.

Contact Robyn Trask, Loving More

970-667-5683

When I first heard the Tiger Woods hoopla, I ignored it as just another gossip fest about someone famous.  A few days later, I was personally dismayed when I saw Tiger Woods leading the headlines in USA Today while a story about four police officers being killed in Washington State was not as important.  The officers, it was believed, were targeted while sitting in a coffee shop.  This was only a headline with the story somewhere in the pages within while Tiger Woods possible infidelity had text on the front page and a bigger headline.  Are the American people really so twisted in their reality that we care more about the, at the time, alleged infidelity of a sports super star then of the shooting of men who serve the public?  People cry out in message boards about Tiger and his “immoral” behavior and barely notice the story of police officers being targeted in a shooting.  I find this to be the sorry state we find our culture in and I wonder if this fascination with infidelity is the same reason people find polyamory so challenging.

This prompted me to take a look at the stories and rumors circling and find out what was being said.  This revelation of Tiger Woods cheating falls on the heels of numerous infidelities by celebrities and politicians.  Each time one of these stories hits, the media jumps on it like ravenous dogs.  This is because people seem to have an appetite for gossip on infidelity.  People are poised to name call and point fingers every time some celebrity we have put on an impossibly high pedestal does something wrong, especially when it involves sex.  Since media is totally in it for the money these days it makes sense, sex sells.

In all of these articles and revelations of infidelity by prominent and apparently upstanding men there is harsh judgment of the men, their values, their morals and even their worth, but no one ever questions that there might be an underlying issue behind the constant straying.  Despite what extensive and numerous studies have shown that our nature as humans is to stray, very few in the mainstream media raise the question of monogamy itself being the problem.  If we look at some of the important and respected men who have shaped our history and even women, we find many are philanderers; Benjamin Franklin, John F. Kennedy, Thomas Jefferson, Elizabeth I, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt to name a few.  The empirical evidence has shown and continues to show that animals, including humans, are not monogamous.  The constant headlines of infidelity seem to support this and yet despite all the data people are shocked and outraged.  And no one in the mainstream appears capable of talking about this intelligently, especially the media.

In 2007 my family and I appeared on the Montel Williams Show about “alternative families”.  The show consisted of a woman who was a porn star and prostitute, a family who ran a naturist resort and us.  The audience was more challenged by polyamory and open relationships than anything else.  I find this is often the case when polyamory comes up in the conversation.  People will puff up and look indignantly saying it is just wrong.  I actually understand this.  Our culture has programmed us to believe monogamy = love = commitment and is the only valid relationship model, for many the only model period.  Cheating betrays trust and hurts people in many ways.  The gap that most people can’t seem to bridge is that polyamory is not cheating, it is not about deceit and it involves serious commitment.  When you talk of polyamory as an alternative to monogamy many people only visualize cheating.

On a few occasions we will see mainstream media look at the issue and conclude that, despite the facts, monogamy is more desirable, more evolved and what we humans should strive for.  We are given this skewed picture of limited choices; monogamy, cheating or staying single.  Most people will pick monogamy since most people want to be with someone and want to be honest.  There is little to no discussion or suggestion that there might be something else possible; a way of relating beyond monogamy and infidelity.  Committed relationships in which people are honest and open to other partners, or polyamory, is not even part of most people’s thought process.

As a young woman I never considered I had another choice despite the fact that I was often in love with and seeing more than one person.   In the back of my mind I knew at some point I had to choose one person and settle down.  Anything else was not even considered as it never entered my mind that I could do something else.  When I did finally come to terms with the fact I was not monogamous by nature and that I no longer would lie about it, I believed that it meant I would be single and alone.  For me I preferred that scenario to monogamy or cheating.

If our society recognized another possibility, another option, how many people would choose non-monogamy?  We have what has been coined “compulsory monogamy” in our culture.  Monogamy permeates our literature, music, movies and education.  Entertainment media is full of love triangles, jealous rages and unfaithful spouses that always end in pain and hurt for those involved.  We even go so far as to make jealous rage an excusable reason for violence and murder.  This all makes for dramatic stories and gossip but where would we be as a culture if people were given another image, another possibility?  Would Tiger Woods  have chosen something else if it was culturally acceptable?  Maybe, maybe not, but at least it would have been a conscious choice.  Can we truly judge a man or woman for seeking sex outside a marriage when we give no other choice and most people are not naturally monogamous?

Polyamory, open relationships and swinging can come in many different configurations but these relationships share something in common.  They are about choosing what relationship configuration works for you, consciously and honestly.  Infidelity is hurtful but this is more about betraying trust than about the sex.  Infidelity can be sexual or emotional and can happen in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships.    It is really about not being honest and lying about relationships outside a committed partnership.  Unfortunately this happens often in monogamy because we as a society in general do not know how to talk about emotions, desire and sexual needs.

Polyamory and other open relationship styles do require commitment and agreements.  People in these relationships need to develop skills in negotiating boundaries and agreements as well as communicating their needs honestly.  It is important to understand and recognize that people change, needs change and renegotiation is important in growing a relationship.  Monogamous relationships also need these skills.  In traditional monogamy however people often make assumptions that their partner wants what they want and they never actually ask.   As a result these relationships go into a kind of auto pilot of day to day routine and many times people negate their needs, fail to communicate and become resentful.  While multi-partnered relationships can have similar challenges, it is less common and by the nature of dealing with many people, things usually go south much faster when people fail to communicate honestly.

What would happen if relationship choice was part of our cultural makeup?  What if people learned to be honest and communicate their desires?  I know an awareness of choices would have made a world of difference in my life and my feelings about myself as a young woman.   Would the Tiger Woods of the world choose something different?  I believe many people would, though not all.  I know that some people would consciously choose monogamy and not simply default into monogamy.  Other people would choose swinging, polyamory or some other arrangement.  I know others would still cheat simply for the thrill of getting away with something.  Having choices would not get rid of infidelity but it might reduce it significantly.  Having choices would save many people from the pain and hurt of broken trust and/or forcing oneself to be monogamous when it is not ones desire or nature to be so.

My hope is that all this media frenzy over infidelity and cheating initiates a real dialogue and an awareness of relationship choice will begin to emerge.  Of course I am an optimist looking for anything that brings attention to the outdated mind set of one size fits all relationships.  We can accept that some people like to live in Manhattan while others prefer a Nebraska farm in the middle of nowhere.   I believe we can learn to respect that some people want a monogamous relationship for all time while others might want to commit to a network of twenty lovers.  Relationships and the choices we make about them should be as unique as the people involved and can be when made with awareness, honestly and communication.

I personally wish Tiger and his family find the solutions that are right for them.  I do not think less of him or more for that matter.  He is a great golfer and sportsman.  His personal relationships and marriage are none of my business.  I hope that we can move on and the media can cover something that really matters like the continuing casualties in Iraq or the challenges with American jobs going overseas.  These are things are worthy of our time and consideration.

Thanksgiving is always one of my favorite celebrations.  I am not sure if it’s the cooking and food, the gathering of good friends or just a day to be thankful for all the wonderful things in our lives.  For ten years now Thanksgiving has become a gathering of family and community.  In 1999 I opened my home to the local poly community for a Thanksgiving celebration that has become a tradition here.

Though I grew up in Colorado most of my family is now far away and traveling to see them is expensive for a family of five.  When I was close to my family, Thanksgiving varied between nice family time and serious clashes with my brother who often needs to be the center of everything.  There was no way we could celebrate with our family and our poly partners and friends.  We had started to feel like Thanksgiving orphans.  We figured other people in our community might have similar issues and thought a Thanksgiving gathering would be nice, thus started out poly thanksgiving tradition.

Now Thanksgiving is something that I and my kids look forward to every year.  We will have anywhere from 30 to 80 people join us with their kids, lovers and even the parents at times.  We eat, play games, watch movies and hang out usually until midnight or later.  Some people come every year and each year we have new people.  It has become great fun and a wonderful way to share gratitude.

It was just such a gathering five years ago that I first announced taking over Loving More.  The Wednesday night before Thanksgiving the business transfer was complete including email.  I was doing my usual prep for the feast when I noticed my email box filling up rapidly.  When the transfer was made all the spam filters dropped and I was getting over four hundred junk emails an hour.  I am not a computer tech person and I had no idea what to do.  I was overwhelmed, taking over Loving More was challenging enough and this just added unneeded anxiety.  Luckily Tom Vilot came to my rescue and helped.

Last night, while preparing for the annual Thanksgiving celebration, I realized that this is my five year anniversary as Director of Loving More.  It has been a journey that I treasure.  Despite the challenges, the long hours, the setbacks, the financial issues and all the ups and downs I would not change a thing Ok, I might change the money issues if I could but overall I am so grateful for the opportunity to serve an amazing group of people, the polyamory community and movement.

Since it is Thanksgiving I wanted to take a moment to share my gratitude with you.

I want to thank first and foremost my family;  my ex husband and father of my kids for helping me start and being our best copy editor to date, my mom Jimi who has helped me with Loving More in many ways including being our official accountant, my sister Gini who for my first year with Loving More was my right hand and still helps with conferences as a volunteer, my kids Michael and Marina who have given up so much of their time with me and been so completely supportive of my work, my oldest son David whose contributions in the past year with the website and the leadership summit have brought us to new level with technology and Jesus my partner and my love who is as dedicated as I am and puts in donations and many volunteer hours on top of his full time job.   My entire family has volunteered for Loving More and the community whether helping at a conference, stuffing envelopes, doing data entry or building a website.  All together the hours put in are immeasurable and all without any financial reward.  Their help is part of what keeps me going.

My gratitude goes out as well to all the volunteers who have given time, sometimes just a few hours, to help get things done, to the people who call and write to let us know they appreciate what we do and help inspire us to keep pushing forward and the entire community for their continuing support.  Specifically I want to thank Misty, Vince, Elise, Gerri, Jim, Jem, Lin, Claudia, Fred, Tom and many more from my local community that were so supportive when I took over, without them I never would have gotten Loving More back on her feet.

All of us in this community should extend special thanks to Alan of Poly in the media, Joe Melhado of Tri-State Poly in New York, Jesus Garcia, Loraine and Wally, Buck, Donna, Mark Van Pelt and Ken Haslam, this handful of people in the community have since 2006 contributed ninety nine percent of the donations and money that have kept us going.  Without their considerable financial support, our doors would have been forced to close.

Last but not at least, I want to express my gratitude to Ryam and Brett for founding Loving More and to Ryam and Mary for entrusting me with the care of an amazing organization that has meant so much to so many.

I am grateful for this continuing journey, for all the wonderful people I have met, the lives we touch, the difference we make together and the honor of helping to move freedom and choice in relationships forward into the future.

Happy Thanksgiving, I hope you, your lovers and your families have an amazing day.

It is obvious to me that ABC news had no interest in having an intelligent adult discussion on the subject of why so many people across all cultural lines, religious background and nationalities have extra marital relationships or cheat.  If they did they would not have set up a talk about fidelity, sex and marriage in an evangelical church.  The setting certainly was dramatic and sensational but it is not objective or in my opinion worthy of what used to be a very good current affairs news show.

What I found interesting was the constant referral to the Bible and “Marriage as God designed it”, though it is expected given the setting.  Christians did not invent marriage and many cultures around the world have marriages that do not fit Evangelical version of marriage.   Why do we need to constantly ask the evangelical minister what marriage is?  Marriage, I believe in this country, is currently sanctioned by the government and I do remember that our constitution was resolute about separation of church and state.  To define marriage by the Bible is to put one religion above others and to bring the state into the business of dictating personal beliefs.  Furthermore, the argument of GOD designed marriage has little to do with the scientific fact that humans and other animals are often not wired for monogamy.  This is a fact and one we as a culture need to discuss in a mature and thoughtful manor.   We need to be discussing alternatives to cheating, lying and betraying the trust of those we love.

I must say as a person who has studied the Bible both in high school and in college I would prefer a discussion that leaves the term adultery out all together.  Adultery in the Bible sense is the adulterating of a man’s bloodline by another man having sex with his wife (his property).   The traditional marriage that most people think of is one that came out of the fifties in the USA, it is not the Bible tradition.  In Biblical times marriage was an exchange of property from one man, a woman’s father, to another man, who became her husband.  Polygyny is found throughout the Bible and fidelity only applied to married women or a man’s property.

Cheating in our culture is a problem.  It can be emotionally devastating for all parties involved.  There is real pain when we find someone we love and trust has lied to us and has been deceitful.  It can bring up insecurity, anger, hatred, jealousy and many other challenging emotions.   It is hurtful and those who cheat feel guilt and anguish over their own behavior.  Cheating and loss of trust can crumble families and hurt kids.  It is worthy of serious and hard discussion.   Good people, who fully understand the challenge, feel pulled to connect with another person emotionally and/or sexually.   If we take the Bible out of the discussion we can have a frank discussion about cheating and the loss of trust when we deceive our partners. How about real discussion about learning honesty, allowing openness and recognizing the tendency of humans towards non-monogamy?

Polyamory is one option that for some people can solve this challenge.  It was great to see Jenny Block on the show speaking to this.  She was articulate and spoke of possibilities beyond monogamy.  Jenny made it clear that in her view open marriage was not cheating and that different people have different needs in relationships.  When the host asked the pastor weather Jenny was cheating his reply was a bit frightening.   He basically said she was wrong for her open marriage, that is was adultery.  He went on to say that he had all the right answers because his world view was that of Gods and we should all have to live by “God’s creation of marriage”.  Basically any other way is not valid since, according to him, God ordained and created marriage and man has no right to change it.  This need to force one’s own belief system on others makes my head spin (I think Jenny was feeling this too).  I really want to know what  the great need is for some people to homogenize our world and create one size fit all way to live, love and be human.  There are wonderful options people can explore beyond cheating; polyamory, swinging, open relationships and other possibilities.  It is my hope that at some point an honest adult discussion will take place and I challenge any major network to have the balls to host such a discussion without the obvious set up for sensationalist journalism.

My thanks to Jenny Block for the courage to be out and public as a polyamorous person and parent.  I know the challenges that can come from being so public.  She is an example to us all of what is needed to help facilitate a discussion about real possibilities and solutions to modern relationships and family.  Jenny did a great job of holding her own in a hostile environment.  I challenge our community to have her courage and to come out of the closet and show the world polyamory and other alternatives can work and even benefit healthy, happy relationships, marriages and families.

To see the aired version go to http://abcnews.go.com/nightline.   I do recommend watching the entire debate at  http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/10Commandments/affairs-cheating-nightline-face-off-debate-adultery-infidelity/story?id=8645026 .  Keep in mind that the videos are not in order but are numbered.   You will notice how the editing cuts out so many important points and information.

The Newsweek article has stirred up a frenzy of comments and posting on their website because of the July 29 article, Only You. And You. And You.

It is always interesting to me to read the comments after an article in mainstream media on polyamory.  There is always a prolific and strong reaction of moralizing and pointing fingers at what terrible perverse people polyamorists are.  Many people seem to live with their heads in some other reality of monogamy being the precious and most legitimate relationship.  If statistics are even close at a minimum half of the people moralizing have had or are having an affair.  Studies show again and again that monogamy is not natural among most animals including humans.  Typically they pair bond and then cheat.

Polyamorist choose to be honest, to open to love and connection with more people.  What really bothers people about polyamory is not the love but that these are romantic relationship involving sex.  These are people having loving SEXUAL relationships.  We all love many people, our kids, parents, friends and family, but bring sex into it and people freak.  It is really our societies challenge with sex that is at issue.  Sex is a wonderful experience of intimacy shared between people that brings them closer.  Why is this so challenging?

Most people in polyamory are loving, honest and care immensely about the health and well being of their partners.  In monogamy that so many stand up and insist is so much better 60% to 70% of the couplings one or both cheat.  They lie, sneak around and put their own and partners health at risk with their deception.  This is the reality of modern so called monogamous couples.  It is not monogamy at all.  Poly people are simply recognizing their needs, wants and desires and are being honest.

I think people get tweaked because it hits too close to home.  Most people have had to choose between two people they love because they did not even consider they might have a choice to love both.  No wonder so many seem so angry.  Flinging insults and making polyamory wrong is a way of coping with unrequited longing.  Kind of like the homophobic who is secretly in the closet about their own sexuality.

Personally true monogamy is not in my nature and cheating is against my personal beliefs.  I prefer honesty and openness.  Monogamy does work great for a few of my friends.  Neither form of relationship is better nor more evolved then the other, simply different.

I was standing in line at the grocery store when an issue of Time Magazine caught my eye.  The cover was a badly made wedding cake with a plastic bride and groom plowed into the top, the cover article, Unfaithfully Yours, by Caitlin Flanagan.  I had to buy it and read this article.  In the contents under the cover story listing the byline was “The two-parent family is in trouble.  Why we still need the nuclear unit-and how to save it.”

The article talked about Sanford and other high-profile cheaters and of these men being “blatantly self-centered”.  The article went into numerous studies of how divorce is awful for kids, how children need a father and how single parent families are destroying children.  The solution of course is the institution of marriage.  There was an underlying feeling as I read that really it was men who lacked commitment.  The article never did really give a “how to save it” answers. There was the impression that traditional marriage in which people stay together forever no matter how tough or miserable was the only solution.

This is what fascinates me.  Yes divorce is a challenge and kids get hurt, but is it divorce and lack of commitment or is there a deeper underlying cause that no one is willing to see?  We as a culture seem to unwilling to look at our traditions of marriage itself as possibly being the problem and not the solution.

Traditional marriage is not a good fit for a changing culture seeking connection and acceptance.  Marriage as an institution has its roots in slavery.  In the early Judeo/Christian system women were property sold in marriage.  When the Bible speaks of adultery, it is referring to polluting or adulterating the family line.  To covet a man’s wife was to covet his property.  Less than one hundred years ago this was still true of marriage, women had very few rights, not even the right to vote.  Marriages, until very recently, were a subtle form of slavery or as some have referred to it “legal prostitution”.  As late as the seventies if a man raped his wife it was not considered rape.  Can an institution or tradition with such negative roots be changed or salvaged?  Should it be salvaged?  If not what are our options?

There is bit of myopic challenge going on in our culture.  We know something is not working and many long for acceptance, somewhere to belong and feel safe.  Traditional marriage was not built for this.  The roots of marriage are from a time of small villages, extended family and close ties to the community.  Nuclear family is a poor substitute for peoples need for acceptance and community.  In our modern age we move often for jobs, money or simply because we can.  We have few connections of extended family, little real community and we rely on our partner or spouse and children to fulfill these needs.  This is a lot to ask of two or three people and then the kids grow up and move away.  This leaves us relying on one main person for a sense of connection, purpose, acceptance and other needs formally met by extended family and our village.  The traditional marriage was about survival, children, family and property.  People had considerably shorter life spans and lifetime marriage meant 20 or so years.

Today we marry for love, we live much longer and both people work outside the home.  Is it even reasonable to expect a nuclear family to fulfill the promise of lifelong acceptance and connection from just one person?  Perhaps we as a people need to take a long hard look at the reality of failing marriage and ask what might work better.   What is it we are really seeking and how can we both give stabilitu to our children and fulfillment to ourselves.  How do we create extended family and real communities where we have a village of people to help us, to be there for the children and help us when we are down.  Isn’t the very notion of a nuclear family going it alone completely counterproductive to fulfilling our human need to be part of a tribe or pack.  The nuclear family isolates us from one another and the modern work world of two career households divides spouses from each other.  When most couples spend more time with co-workers then with each other, of course they will form connections and bonds with colleagues.

The ideal of lifelong marriage is not working.  It is crumbling at the foundations, yet many people are so attached they can’t conceive of alternatives.  We need to look for solutions that actually work for all parties concerned.  Polyamory is one possibility that just might work for many people but a lack of awareness and acceptance keep it on the fringes.  We as a culture really need to support the possible alternatives, gay marriage, polyamory, domestic partnerships, civil unions done by specific contract and parenting agreements.

Polyamory has so many possibilities that for some can be a wonderful alternative.  Take the couple who marry young, have kids and love them deeply, with poly they can stay together, be good parents and still find connection and acceptance they may not have with each other.  There are possibilities of three, four, five adults or more forming extended families with real commitments to the family and the children.  With more people there is more connection, help and support which can be awesome for kids.  Why not support forms like polyamory that can meet innate human needs better.  If people could stay together, partnered, as parents and still find relationships to grow, feel alive and connect this could provide the stability so badly missing for many.  Currently this form of relating is looked down on by society, parents and therapists and is not even in the realm of possibility for many.  We are surprised by infidelity even though every study done confirms most homo sapiens are not monogamous.

I do agree with the article that many people lack real commitment.  Polyamory takes honesty, commitment and communication.  It is work and many people see it as too much work.  Even among polyamorists themselves it is often difficult to really commit and do the work needed to form long term stable relationships.  All too often people are seeking acceptance and connection through sexual encounters instead of deep relating.  It does not help that polyamory as a committed family relationship is not supported.  There have been no studies of plural families.  For people who want this kind of family there is no map, no ceremony, no recognition and no rights, making it very difficult to sustain or even be open about.  It would be nice to one day see polyamory as a solution and possibility for modern families.

The article also spoke of single parent families and absentee fathers.  The article implied that marriage would make men better fathers.  Sixty years ago men worked and women stayed home.  We had clearly defined roles in marriage and as parents.  Men brought home the paycheck and women ran the house.   In today’s world many men have no idea their role or their importance in a child’s life.  When women can have children single, bring home the bacon and run the household, many men feel disposable.  Maybe this is what really needs to change.  To help men be better fathers they must first know they matter.  Women often feel unsupported by men not knowing how they fit and so they take control.  It is not malice but by necessity to care for children.  Women for the most part still run the household, take the kids to the doctor or dentist, stay home when their child is sick.  This leaves men feeling unneeded and women overworked.  Men have not really found their role in families in this modern time following women’s liberation.  Women are so tired from fulfilling both roles, they have no time for the partner they married and love.  This makes it easy for men to leave or to have affairs as they feel abandoned, alone and most of all unaccepted.

When Ms Flanagan wrote of marriage being what we needed she missed the entire reason it is not working.  We no longer live in single income families with carefully defined roles.  Most women and many men have no desire to return to that.  We need to look at how we empower men to be fathers, how women can find more balance and how all of us can find the connections we need.  Children need two parents and this generally means their father.  Mothers need the support o a partner to find balance and people need each other for connection.  Men, and for that matter everyone, need to be needed, to know we matter.  Instead of looking back a tradition fraught with negative connotations of slavery and suffering, let’s look for solutions.  We can as a culture become more open and accepting of same sex couples having legal commitments to each other and their children.  We can study polyamory and other plural relationships and help people to make them work.  We can empower men to know they matter to their kids and women to know they do not have to do it all alone.  We can encourage people to form communities and/or extended families with people they feel connected to.  We can honor choices of family style and relationships that support everyone’s wellbeing, adult and child alike.   We can grow into honesty, make real commitments, have lasting families/relationships and discover new traditions of partnership and family beyond traditional monogamous marriage and the nuclear unit.