Loving More Polyamory Blog

Polyamory sends visions of orgies and free love to most people who first hear the term and definition. Even after careful explanation to the uninitiated, they still walk away thinking polyamory equals f***ing anything that moves. This belief that polyamory is about sex is what send people into a frenzy about morality, commitment and family values. The Montel show did a wonderful show on polyamory but when one of the poly guests compared polyamory love to loving children and the ability to love more than one he made the statement “But I don’t have sex with my children”. In our culture we are sex obsessed and sex phobic. This obsession, according to most people, means sex changes everything.

American culture is challenged when it comes to sex and this generates much confusion. Sex is an important part of many romantic relationships but it is not the end all and be all. Sex has been equated with romantic love for centuries and, in more recent years, with monogamous marriage and commitment. Sex, love, romance and intimacy are not all the same thing and you can have one without the other.

Polyamory is more about romance and love than sex. The non-poly world just does not seem to get it; it’s not about the sex. Yes, poly relationships include sex but just like monogamous ones people are there for love, romance, intimacy and numerous other reasons. Sex is often an important component but it is not by any means the focus and sometimes it isn’t even there. But it is the sexual component that seems to evoke such passionate reactions to polyamory, swinging and other forms of alternative sexuality.

People are different in so many ways. They have different hobbies, interests, likes, dislikes and we all accept this. One person may love the water and boating and another loves rock climbing and mountaineering. People have diverse work interests, raise their kids a certain way and have preferences on where they live. This kind of diversity is not seen as right, wrong or even surprising in any way. Yet when it comes to sex and romantic relationships, we have this narrow parameter of what is acceptable behavior. We accept change and fluidity in every other aspect of life and then seek to box in love, sex and intimacy, the very things we should expect the most freedom with.

We would never tolerate our personal choices in work or where we live to be dictated by the neighbors or the government and yet, as a culture, we seek to control who a person loves, how they love, what sexual activities are accepted and even how many they can love. Why, one may ask, because of SEX. Gay marriage, gay relationships, bisexual relating, polyamorous relating all include sex and sex scares most people.

In the sixties and seventies our culture made a shift toward opening up sexually. The ideas of free love, swinging and the one night stand were being explored. Unfortunately so many of the young people exploring had been raised in families that had no communication, where masturbation was forbidden and no one talked about sex. Many were taught good girls were supposed to be pure and hold out their virginity for marriage like a bartering chip. Boys were supposed to push girls into submission. The same people who opened up the sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies also brought in their own bad habits as well as unconscious fears and shame. Many were like a kid in a candy store, enthralled and lacking the self control not to overdo it. Free love instead of coming from a place of love was often coming from a place of rebellion and need to fit in with peers. In many cases people, especially women, were pressured into swinging or sex when it was not right for them. As a culture we lacked the important skills or role models to handle free love.

Sex has been demonized, used as a weapon and made a sin, first by the church and now by society. People have suffered terrible shame, guilt and even pain about their sexual nature and their sexuality. These ideas about sex as sinful can wreak havoc on the unconscious mind and sabotage people’s attempts to free themselves and embrace their sexual nature. Part of this cultural programming is that when we “really” love someone we should only want sex with them. We are only allowed to experience this naughty pleasure in the boundaries of a “committed monogamous relationship”. This originally comes from religion and yet people, who have a completely different set of beliefs and values, from atheists to pagans, continue to perpetuate this boundary.

We as a culture exalt romantic sexual love to this sanctified realm. We say it is different from love for friends, siblings, parents and children. That because of the sexual component it has to be limited and you can only share this activity with one person. But as many people understand, and studies have shown, we are really talking about lust and it fades over time. The maddening lust of new relationships is replaced with long term love more akin to love of family and friends, though often deeper because of the deeper intimacy sex can bring in a relationship.

We know people are able to love many people. Sex is one component of a vast array of ways in which people connect. Why is it so hard to make the leap that people who love someone deeply, are committed to that connection and have a sexual relationship could also love another person as well and in the same way. Human beings do it all the time, they have an affair, they go from one relationship to another, often overlapping, and they often still have strong feelings for past lovers.

Perhaps this is why, in the end, polyamory is so damned scary for many people. Polyamorists admit the truth; they romantically and sexually love more than one person. They choose to do so honestly and openly despite the possible repercussions of lost jobs and threats to their children. Polyamorous people embrace what many people already feel but are afraid to acknowledge; love is free flowing and abundant.

Many poly people do get the opportunity to explore and embrace their sexuality. When the boundaries are removed within the support of a loving committed relationship then there is the opportunity to explore what excites you and what gives you pleasure without losing your lover. You can deepen intimacy through honesty and working your way past jealousy and insecurity. You can remain open to love, connections, attractions and become an explorer of your own sexual nature and what intimate relationships really mean for you. It is challenging, exciting and at times risky. You risk being hurt, being rejected, trying things that scare you and losing people you love. You can gain personal growth, insight, living life to the fullest and an abundance of love and relationships to share and/or dance in and out of your life. It is not easy and not for everyone.

Sex is a beautiful and natural expression of love and affection and it is good for you. We have made it into something fearful and shameful rather than celebrating the joy. The simple truth is polyamory has nothing and everything to do with sex. Polyamory is at the core, about loving romantic relationships. These relationships usually include sex but can also embrace deep intimate and romantic friendships without sex. They can be fabulous networks of sexy connections. They can also be a family with children and multiple parents; raising kids, sharing a home, doing chores and watching TV, hoping they might have time to squeeze in a little sex play between bedtime stories and passing out for the night. They are no different and no more about sex than any other relationship style.

Most poly people have experienced the phrase “But if you’re poly, you should have sex with me”. While I might want to yell “It’s not about the sex” the truth is, I am polyamorous and I am also picky. Just between you and me, with the kids, the house and balancing relationships, if I can find time I am much more interested in spending quality time with the partners I love then exploring sex with a random person I feel no connection with.

Robyn and Jesus

The State We’re In, is an English language international show on world affairs.  We had the pleasure of doing an interview with them last week which is available currently at http://www.rnw.nl/english/radioprogramme/state-were.  This week’s show features my partners Jesus, Ben and I talking about our relationship with each other and how polyamory works for each of us.  It is very positive and in my opinion well done.  I was struck by them asking Ben a question about what he gets from his relationship with me he doesn’t get from his primary partner.  It is to me a strange question that I personally have been asked this numerous times by friends and acquaintances who do not get polyamory.  This is the first I have heard the question by the media and one a lot of people wonder.

Ben

Ben’s answer was great and similar to what I would have said but you’ll have to listen to hear what he had to say.  The show is intermixed with a song Ben wrote and performed originally at Poly Living 2008 in Philadelphia.  I love how they brought the lyrics in at different times.  The entire show is interesting and informative and was a lot of fun to do.

Please give us your feedback here.

We are looking for Articles for the next issue number 41 of Loving More Magazine.  This will be a printed issue.

Deadline next issue June 1, 2010

We need articles with a polyamory or relationship focused theme.

Examples of possible topics; coming out poly, transitional experiences in poly, bisexuality, making polyamory work long term, reconciling poly with traditions of family or religion, history of poly relating, young or next generation poly, etc..

We are also looking for:

Pictures, clip art and artwork,

Photographs –

Any recognizable people in the picture must sign a release specifically for use in Loving More®.

Poly themed poetry and stories

Artwork/Creative Pieces – We are looking for original pieces that represent polyamory to you; sensual, loving, poly events, depictions of people in art or clip art.

We welcome all submissions for review; however submission does not guarantee publication.

All submissions for each issue are reviewed by a committee and may be used in the next issue or a future one depending on how the topics fit the theme of each issue.

For guidelines go to LM Guidelines

Please send your submissions to: Lovingmore@lovemore.com

Questions call

970-667-5683

Please share your comments on this article.

CU Boulder

On Wednesday April 7, 2010 at the Conference on World Affairs a panel presentation was being presented From Monogamy to Polyamory and Everything in Between.  Wow this is great that polyamory is being included in the Conference on World Affairs held annually at the University of Colorado in Boulder.  Just one problem, on the panel of “experts” there was not one person who really knew or understood polyamory.  The local polyamory group in Boulder caught wind of this via Amy Gahran and Loving More was contacted.  We decided we needed to attend this panel discussion.  Maybe it was not so bad, maybe one or two panel members did have knowledge but we just didn’t know them.  I went with an open mind hoping mine and the concerns of the community were unfounded.  Sadly they were not.

When I arrived the doors were closed and people wanting in would need to wait and see if anyone departed.  It was standing room only in the large auditorium with a large crowd waiting to get in.  I started talking to people who were waiting and most were there because they were interested in this discussion that included polyamory.  Polyamory was what brought many of them there.

After about ten minutes the crowd waiting had thinned and several people left so we were able to duck in to the panel.  The panel was still introducing themselves and they were on the second panelist.  Each panelist talked about how their personal experiences made them experts in this subject.  Mostly they talked about their own background either professionally or with relationships.  All were monogamous and all talked about monogamy and infidelity.  Three barely mentioned polyamory in passing and one stated polyamory made sense biologically but he was not sure it could work logistically.  This was the only positive thing said about polyamory by any of the panelists.  At best they were unfamiliar with polyamory and at worst they were condescending making statements about how polyamory is impractical or not socially acceptable and therefore people would not really consider it.

As they finished their introductions they opened the forum to questions.  They called on a young woman behind me; she asked if polyamory could be a solution for couples with children who want to stay together but are no longer romantically compatible.  The panelists seemed dumbfounded and when one finally answered he said something to the effect that it probable was not a reasonable solution.  In the panel of so called experts they continually pushed polyamory off to the margins.  It was subtle and they were not even aware of their own prejudices or that they were doing it.  I asked why a panel discussion that included polyamory had no one in the panel who knew anything about polyamory when there are many people available to speak to this issue.  People applauded when I asked the question.  The panel  understandably  became a bit defensive and said they felt they were doing fine They asked if they had misrepresented things and I said yes, that polyamory was a growing movement with thousands if not millions of  people involved successfully across the country and around the world.    I had a chance to clarify a few things to the group and let people know there was quality information available (much of which I had with me and gave out).

The panelists it seems were chosen by the organizers and therefore not responsible for the lack a of knowledgeable polyamory panelists.  On one hand I agree with this and on the other I take a different stand.  When I was asked to speak on the spectrum of non-monogamous relating styles including swinging, I made an effort to learn.  I am not a swinger and though I know more than the average person, I am no expert on swinging.  I did some research before speaking and learned what I could so I could speak intelligently about the subject.  This was not terribly hard since though swinging and polyamory are at different ends of the open relationship spectrum, they share many of the same challenges.  The point is I educated myself so I could represent swinging in a real and viable way.  So to me the panelist share some responsibility.  Get educated or tell the organizers to include a person who is truly an expert on the subject.

This incident is not isolated.  Unfortunately it happens all the time, most notably in the media.   The worst are the talk shows like Oprah and others.  When Oprah included open relationships on a show on sexuality her so called expert knew nothing about polyamory or open relationships.  The “expert” pursed her lips and spouted how open relationships never work because like in cheating people can’t get past jealousy.  In my experience both personally and working with clients it is broken trust that people have so much trouble overcoming.  This may lead to or involve jealousy but it is rebuilding trust after infidelity that ultimately kills the relationship when a spouse has cheated.  Polyamory and swinging are built on trust and are not cheating.

On Montel in 2007 in a show on alternative families one of the experts was the judge from divorce court.  She compared kids raised in polyamory to single mothers on welfare who have a new boyfriend every month and give that man authority over their kids.  On the same show Montel stated that just a very small fraction of less than one percent of the population would ever have an interest in polyamory.  I objected saying I disagreed and when he asked the audience at least twenty five percent raised their hand saying they would be interested in a multi-partnered relationship.  This part of course never aired.

These are examples from just two shows and it happens in all kinds of venues.  I wonder why it is that seemingly educated well versed people are so ignorant.  It would be one thing if they were out there saying “gee, I don’t know if polyamory can work”, versus expertly speaking to polyamory as if it never works and never will.  In one recent story, where Jenny Block was interviewed by a local Dallas station, the expert was a marriage counselor who said he did not know of anyone who had a successful open relationship and that open relationships didn’t work.  In the same show they are talking with Jenny Block who has been in an open relationship for 12 or so years.  It is as if having their “expert” commentator validates that someone like Jenny is a fluke and we really do not need to take these open relationships serious.  What it really speaks to is the undeniable ignorance and unwillingness to learn about a growing movement and the viability of relationships outside the box of monogamy and the nuclear family.

Poly Pride in Central Park

People often fear what they do not understand.  Polyamory and other open relationships make many people uncomfortable.  Many have enough problems making one relationship work while others may have desired or loved more than one person but they denied themselves.  Either way I believe that in part open relating is marginalized in the mainstream because it challenges people at their core.  When you examine polyamory and swinging closely it is hard to find a reason that it is wrong.  These relationships are built on honesty, being real, sharing fantasies, love and commitment and the people involved are often normal happy people.  It is easier for people to marginalize open relating because if it is not marginal it might open the door to question monogamy.  People might have to question whether they have the kind of relationship they want and that might lead to guilt, shame, jealousy and a myriad of deep emotions most people do not really want to look at.  By saying it doesn’t work or is really just a few weirdoes on the fringe of society then people do not have to peak out of the box and possibly rock the boat of their lives.

It is really up to us, Loving More and the greater polyamory community to educate and speak up especially when experts who are not experts marginalize open relationships; perhaps even writing in to Oprah or Hollywood producers who misrepresent polyamory, swinging and other choices beyond monogamy.  If you hear something on the radio or TV that is misinformation, let us know.  Become aware of what is being said around you and don’t be afraid to speak up or if you can’t safely find someone who can.  Give out the Polyamory Info/FAQ brochure, it is available free.  Let us speak out together and inform the world that open relationships can work and be wonderfully rich, satisfying, deeply intimate and nurturing.

Hats off to Reid Mihalko for doing a phenomenal job heading up the third Poly Leadership Summit.  The Summit took place just after Poly Living Philadelphia.   The Summit was put together somewhat last minute and Reid stepped forward to help organize and facilitate.

Sunday night started off with some fun and time to let go after a weekend of intense workshops.  Monday it was down to business of really defining why we are all here and how we can work together. For me it felt like we made so much progress.  Last year, in which I was part of the organizing committee, seemed a bit over organized and structured.  It was a good start.  This year though it felt like we made progress toward both working together as a movement and making progress on specific projects.

I look forward to the next Summit which we are intending to be on the West Coast in the fall.  Keep an eye out for details.  If you are interested in poly activism you can contact me and I will direct you to the right people.

Dossie Easton, Reid Mihalko and Robyn Trask

Programs are being printed, name badges made and boxes shipped.  Excitement and anticipation are building as we are just nine days away from Poly Living 2010, February 19-21, Fort Washington, PA.  Poly Living is a good way to break up the long winter and escape to a place full of ideas, warmth and open hearts.  I always look forward to connecting with the community at Poly Living.  Every year I love connecting with people; people I have known for years and people I am meeting for the first time.  Always I walk away from a conference having made new connections with wonderful people.  It is a great feeling to have the opportunity to meet the amazing people, old and new, who make up this awesome community.

We invite you all to join us for a weekend of fun, learning and friendship.  We have a wonderful array of presentations and presenters all eager to see that you get the most out of Poly Living.   (Poly Living can make a great Valentines surprise)

Leaders and Activists are Getting Together after Poly Living.

Poly Leadership Summit March 2009

Loving More is playing host to the third Polyamory Leadership Summit being organized by Reid Mihalko and the Polyamory Leadership Network, February 21-22, 2010.  Anyone interested in polyamory activism is welcome to join in.

For complete information on joining the Leadership Summit go to 2010 Poly Leadership Summit

I look forward to the love, laughter and community of Poly Living.  Hope to see you there!!!

Poly Living Group Discount

Discount of 10% when three people register together, use coupon code PL103.  Recieve 15% when four or more register together, use coupon code PL104.

Loving More Community Connections

Watch for Announcement of Hosted 3D Chats

We invite you to join us and watch for the chat annoucements.

Check It Out Here

Photo by Robyn Trask, Big Sir California

One of the most challenging things for people in polyamorous relationships is finding a balance in their life between relationships and responsibilities.  This can be especially challenging for those who have children, demanding careers and/or are activists working toward awareness and tolerance.  I often get the question how do you have time for everything?  And I find myself asking that question tonight.

Many poly folks find themselves with all of the above challenges and can end up burning out in exhaustion.  At times when the question comes up, I will laugh and tell people that heading up Loving More often means I do not have time for loving more.  It is funny and ironic and also true.  I know many people find this same thing to be true for them.

I believe much of this comes from our heritage and the over the top work ethic of the puritans.  One thing I noticed in traveling around the world that people in the US work more hours and are busier than many other cultures.  We speak the phrase “I’m busy” as almost a badge of honor or testament to our self importance.  We put love, pleasure, fun and the like on the bottom of the list and wonder why our relationships grow apart.

I am on a quest to make time for family, lovers and friends and to balance pleasure with work.  I want to take time and breathe in the moments spent with the people I love.  Time is precious and life passes quickly.   I want to strive to move beyond the “I’m too busy” to a place where love and pleasure are as much a priority as work and activism.  After all what are we working for but the freedom to enjoy the pleasure our relationships without judgment.

I am curious do others share this challenge of putting fun and pleasure last, after work, activism and other duties?

Well polyamory of a sort.  I was watching the Daily Show last evening when they did a story on gays wanting not only marriage rights but the right to get divorced.  In their true comedic style, they were doing an exaggerated story about a minister who opposes gays getting divorced  “No Gay Out – Jason Jones believes that God Intended man and woman to be stuck in a loveless union, not gays” .  They threw in how gay marriage hurt sthe sanctity of marriage between men and women and started interviewing a couple about how they felt about gay divorce.  The couple said they believed in “equality under the law” and did not have a challenge with gay divorce.  The reporter then asked how the husband’s girlfriend felt about it and panned the camera back to show a woman on the man’s other side holding hands.  I was floored and cracking up.  In true Daily Show style it quickly went down hill from there as the reporter dimmed the lights and they then cut to the triad in bed with the reporter standing over them holding a dildo.

It was very funny though I am not totally sure it is good.  Still the Daily Show has an audience of millions, it is about comedy and the entire skit was a satire on the right wings ridiculous arguments against gay marriage.  This kind of media shows people are noticing open relationships.  You can watch the show at http://www.thedailyshow.com/ .

So yes the concept has made it to the big time The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Please share your reactions with us.