Modern romance is a flop. Fun idea, but look at its disastrous effects - soaring divorce rates, torn families, ridiculous societal standards of beauty and strength, and of course - the broken hearts. Our societal notion of falling in love with your soul mate, staying monogamous forever and growing old in bliss simply isn't happening for the vast majority of us. There's got to be a better way to "do relationship." How many of you have suffered from a lover's infidelity? How many of you have been the infidelitous one? How many otherwise healthy relationships break-up over a partner's "cheating." What if it didn't have to be this way? What if you could have a deeply committed loving relationship that wasn't threatened by a sexual experience outside of the relationship? What if you could keep your loving partner whenever you met another loving partner? We believe that this is possible, and sometimes a wonderful choice. That does not mean it is easy to achieve, but we should at least be willing to consider the possibilites. The Loving More vision of relationship is based on honesty, openness, respect for the individual, love as an infinite resource, the body and sexuality as sacred, and relationship as a path to personal & spiritual growth. In this vision, there's room for more love - more intimacy - more possibilites - and more people. Accordingly, there is also more responsibly and challenge - a deeply personal challenge to transform ourselves, our lives, and our world into a more loving and responsible place. It's all in the name.
No. If you want to have casual sex with a lot of partners that's your business, but that's not what we're talking about here. LM is about having and maintaining loving relationships that may or may not be sexual. In our circles you will find trios, extended families, open marriages, and committed singles - all who share love and intimacy with more than one person. There are many, many forms and variations. The LM philosophy is not to say "this is the one and only way to do relationship," as our culture would have you believe, but rather to ask "what works for all the people involved at this time?"
This is an important question to ask not only at the outset, but over time as it is often the case the "form" of relationship that someone starts with is not the form that works some time later. What is required to keep it alive, engaged, and, of course, loving?
Not unless you want them to be. Many people when they first hear of the LM idea react with "it seems like just going to bed with anyone any time you want to. What about commitment? It seems like running away from real intimacy and depth." In fact, the opposite is true. LM is a commitment to love. It is a lifestyle that honors "moving toward love" as a general rule. When you are committed to love, you set your feet on a challenging path. Your focus in relationship becomes how to create and maintain long-term, stable, deeply committed relationship with each person you choose to accept into that place. Of course you cannot have these kinds of deep potentials with every person you meet. So please don't read into this that LM is some starry eyed idea that you can truly love an infinite number of people. However, it has been my experience that people reject excellent partners in their lives because of some deficiency seen when held up to the artificially high standards that a person must meet if you are looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right to fulfill your every desire for the rest of your life. Who can meet that test?
Good Question. How you choose to deal the issue of sexually transmitted disease (STDs) is an important matter of personal choice. The more sexually active you are, the more this is an issue in your life. The myth is that LM relationships are people who are mindlessly hopping from bed to bed in complete disregard for STD's. On national talk shows, audience members have screamed at us "You sluts, you're the problem in this county. It's people like you who are spreading AIDS". But clearly, people can form exclusive families that are more than a couple, but do not engage in sexual activity outside of their circle. Others, who do not wish to make the commitment a family form may imply, form "safe-sex circles" where each member is tested and new members are not admitted until a period of months go by and they still test negative. Some are "fluid bonded" within their closest relationships, but use protection with anyone outside this tested circle. This is not to say that everyone who practices open relationships is a fully responsible person. You'll find a wide cross-section among us, just like in the general public. The point is that AIDS is the same issue in multi-partner relating as it is in monogamous couples, it's how YOU behave that's the real issue - and that includes what kind of agreement you require (or don't) from your partner(s). The key difference here is that in LM relationships, you needn't lie about it if you or your partner is making love with others and so it's easier to discuss and hopefully come to agreement with how you and they are dealing with STDs. In the typical monogamous couple, if someone "cheats" frequently the other partner is left in total darkness about the behavior of their spouse, not knowing they are being exposed to a risk they do not wish to take. Which would you rather have?
The commitment is not to each other, it's to Love. The commitment to love changes the focus in the relationship in a very important way. When problems arise, the question that we all too quickly ask ourselves is "am I in or out?" Or in the case of being the partner who is afraid of losing love, "are they leaving or not?" In a LM relationship, that question is not the issue on the table. As long as there is love, you are both in. That shifts the focus to "What do you do about this problem?" Not "Are we staying together?" Once you've developed some confidence in yourself and your partner(s) that the "in/out" question is not really the hidden agenda here, you can really relax into the relationship. This is what truly makes having more than one partner possible. When your partner finds another lover, the issue for both of you isn't "Is this relationship over?" But rather "How might we incorporate this in our lives and our relationship?" You can create any rules or guidelines you need, and there are many to choose from, including - no new relationships right now.
When you allow for more partners, you are able to enjoy the qualities of several people that, together, are able to meet a much greater percentage of your interpersonal needs. This has the advantage of "taking the heat" off of single partner relationships to provide what any one partner is not able to provide. For example, you may be in relationship with a deep, philosophical type that has tremendous depth and passion, however when you want to play, your partner would rather read Plato. So you are left to your own devices to satisfy that need in you. If you go out dancing, you might find a very attractive and playful partner who could be a friend and lover to you in that area of your life. Over time, this deepens and you have two deep and full relationships that are very different yet hopefully compatible. LM acknowledges the fact no one person can meet all your needs.
This one always mystifies me. The fear is that children will grow up in an environment confused about who their parents are and seeing their parents having sex with strangers, and become some kind of warped individual. The fact is that this is exactly what happens in many "families" of the traditional sort. First of all, in most groups children always know who their biological or adoptive parents are. This is important for various reasons, including biologically in terms of health issues, legally in terms of who has responsibility for the child's care and support, and emotionally since children usually prefer their parents to other less involved caretakers. It is the parent's responsibility to provide an environment that nurtures their children and provides the required consistency and safety for them. Other adults involved can be important role models for the children and if they are a consistent loving presence in the child's life, serve to expand the child's education about life and love and the variety of ways people can be. Children benefit from seeing loving and responsible relationships as models. It's important for them to see that how people who care about each other express their affection and deal with problems. Having more adults around is not a problem unless they are poor models for the children. Whether one or two or more, it is unhealthy adults who cause problems in children's lives. In other parts of the world, people still live in tribes and large extended families. It's not uncommon for children to live with many different kinds of relatives and they don't seem to turn into confused, relationship crippled adults. Also, in other cultures, to have more than one wife (or in a few places husband)is the NORM. These people have children just like you and me and we're not hearing about how psychologically crippled they are.
A lot of sex is not a bad thing if that is an authentic expression of your relationship with another. A little or no sex is also not a bad thing if that is equally authentic. The key here, as in the entire LM approach to living is in making authentic choices. Unfortunately, this is not as easy as it sounds. Many people are confused about what is really true for them. We have so many images and influences of what society's and media's values are of how we are supposed to behave and appear, and so little training in how to be real, that "who am I really" is a terribly legitimate question. When asking the question "how sexual am I really", I like to say, "Be as fully sexual as you are." That means saying yes when what you mean is yes, and no when what you mean is no. Yet how many people are really as fully sexual as they would like to be? Few indeed. This means that a lot a people are saying no when they would really like to be saying yes. Look at the reasons why for great clues as to what truly motivates us in both avoiding and holding relationships.
This is a very legitimate question. Jealousy is not about what the other person is getting, it's about what you're not getting. At it's root, jealousy is the fear that you are going to lose something. It may or may not be based in actual fact. The problems arise when people feel jealous when they have good reason for it. In multi-partner relating, if you have a solid, committed relationship with a partner and your partner meets someone else who they relate intimately with, unless that person is trying to steal your partner, jealousy may not seem warranted, but is present nevertheless for many. Working through this is one of the greatest rewards of multi-partner relating. The ability to live in world where the expression of love with another person is not seen as a message that you are somehow worth less to your partner is a much freer and more full place to be than in a world of fear over imagined losses. In some cases, the losses aren't imagined. Just like in monogamous relationships, people do meet other people and want to leave their current situation. In multi-partner relating however, the option is open to stay. And that's a big difference. It basically boils down to love. If there is enough love present, then jealousy can be overcome. For some, no amount of reassurance is enough. No matter how much you tell someone such as this you love them, it doesn't sink in. In a case like this, jealousy won't go away, because the person doesn't actually let themselves ever feel loved. This is a common problem is many relationships regardless of the form. Jealousy, in this case and in most cases, is an invitation to work on yourself at a very deep place. To liberate yourself from fears learned from a hard or unsupportive childhood. Lessons such as these are essential for anyone who wishes truly intimate relationships, as such inner blockades trap energy and hold the soul as hostage to the fears of an inner child. Multi-partner relationships, and facing the jealousy that arises as a result of this conscious choice, is then an affirmation for growth. A declaration that love is more important that fear, and in that, there is the basis for true transformation. © Copyright 2002, PEP Publishing All rights reserved worldwide.
Brief Overview of Terms and DefinitionsOf course, there are no definitive descriptions for what goes on in any relationship, but it is helpful to have a general idea of how these terms are used. This is in no way intended to be a complete list, but is offered as a way for those unfamiliar with poly relating to make sense of the information offered in these pages.
Expanded Family Group Marriage Intimate Network Non-Monogamy Open Relationship or Open Marriage Poly Polyamory Polyfidelity Primary Relationship The most common style of relating in the US today. The belief that a person should only have one lover at a time. This is belief is so strong that millions of people end perfectly good relationships in other to start another. Sacred Sex Swinging Tribe |
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