Comments on: Monogamy VS Polyamory: Why is monogamy considered the only stable or secure relationship style?

By: Colin

Colin — Tue, 22 May 2012 16:53:36 +0000

My wife suddenly, after a 10 year relationship, informed me she wants to move back into this area where she once was. My reaction was not good but I am trying to understand. However, everything I read tells me that open relationships work only if both sides are in complete agreement. As much as I may try, I do not know if I can do it without all the emotions that will eventually tear us apart. I sometimes think I should just give her the freedom she wants and let her go. It is hard to overcome a lifetime or mores and standards, even if they have become outdated.

By: Someone on Facebook asked me for my “spiritual opinion on Monogamy” « Paul C Burr

Sat, 03 Sep 2011 12:35:33 +0000

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By: Kalyn Bras

Kalyn Bras — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 21:37:56 +0000

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By: admin

admin — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 01:06:22 +0000

Rachael,

My heart goes out to you. I have been where you are at and it took me some time to come to terms with my feelings. I have often been told “you can’t love two people” or “you can’t be in love with two people at once”. This is simply not true for me, it may be true for some people but not all.

Do we ever love people the same? I do not believe we do because each person is an individual with qualities that we connect with. This does not mean however that we love one or the other more. People often react because of long term programming and I love to use the analogy of children with these people. No one would go up to a pregnant woman who was holding a child and ask them why one child was not enough or don’t they love the child we have. We are capable of loving many people in many different ways and this extends to romantic and sexual love.

People often react strongly because it is outside the so called norm and many people pretend they never feel this way. Yet if we look at the statistical data, studies and just common sens we see many people engaging in loving sexual relationships with more than one person. They usually are hiding it, cheating, sneaking around and full of guilt. It is almost as if we accept non-monogamy if you feel sufficiently guilty.

Your post sounds like someone who is truly feeling love and concern about honesty and integrity. This is hard and challenging but can have the greatest rewards. You have to find what is right for you. I personally think love is wonderful in all the many forms it can come in. I know many people in strong and stable triad relationships. It is not easy as you are working out issues between three people instead of two with many similar challenges multiplied. Anything worth having is worth working for. How can loving someone be wrong?

Robyn
Loving More

By: Rachael

Rachael — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 12:11:08 +0000

Hi,
This article is really interesting. I havebeen struggling a lot in the last year, as I have found that I am in love with two people, and I would happily be in a relationship with both at the same time and a collective thing. But obviously living in a society like this would never allow that. Both of them are friends, and are both monogomous. It is just hard for me to know what to do.

My friend who I have indulged in, says I cannot love two people at the same time equally, as true love means you cannot do that. But I feel as if i can, and that there is enough love in me to make it possible. I find this situation incredibly hard as I will have to give up on someone I love to be with another, and it breaks my heart.

I truly think the way I am feeling is possible and is not wrong, but with the amount of people I hear say it is wrong, I cannot 100% like myself for feeling this way. As a little part inside of me thinks it is wrong on them. I love them both so much, and couldnt hurt either one.

By: Adult Intimacy

Adult Intimacy — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 19:39:16 +0000

I have to agree that polyrelationships work! Everyone is completely satisfied and has no reason to stray when polyrelationships are developed and remain as a norm in the household.

By: Aussie polamoury partner

Aussie polamoury partner — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 03:07:06 +0000

With regard to Mazin Al-Hadhrami’s item of December 4, 2009: I find it interesting that Mazin seems to not quite understand what polyamoury is. There is a difference between being a swinger, which is what Mazin seems to be writing about, and a committed polymourous relationship.
Polyamoury is not only about swingers – those who have non-committed relationships with more than one person. I am in a relationship with a woman who maintains a strong and healthy marriage with her husband. He knew of the potential of his wife exploring a possible relationship with me prior to our developing our union beyond verbal recognition of our feelings.
The three of us see this as a lifetime commitment for each of us. It means that our partner lives at two houses: The house that she and her husband are buying, and at my home.
One thing that was not part of the equation, and never has been, is jealousy. It is of course possible that people accept the conditioning of moralists that they encounter through their lives seek to make them believe that jealousy is a constant of human nature. That they believe they have been able to solve the ‘nature v nurture’ debate, before anyone else in the world who makes a philosophical career of such exploration, is quite sad.
If anything, our situation is about both the husband and I acknowledging that our love for the woman in question is one based on unconditional love. If this is what she wants – then we both find that it would be hypocritical to offer love, and put a conditional barrier in the way. No jealousy, just strong support.
We are not looking to add another to our small community. There is no desire for us to grow in that way.
One reason that Mazin might be so confused regarding the difference is that almost every polyamoury web presence seems to provide focus on swingers and not polyamoury as a choice of love and commitment. Should we be celebrating the size of our families, or the absolute honesty and trust that is required to ensure that any relationship is successful, mono, poly or whatever.
No, there is no STD issue, unless, of course, you are sleeping with partners who are sleeping with those outside of the stated consenting relationship.
In summary, I hope Mazin reads this and considers the difference between a swinger community and commitment-based poly relationships.

By: Mazin Al-Hadhrami

Mazin Al-Hadhrami — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 09:25:24 +0000

I wrote a paper about monogamy in one of my classes, and I learned about polyamory for the first time. One of the things that I researched was that humans are naturally jealous and therefore, polyamory goes against human nature.
Also, sharing your body with many people without a commitment increases the chances of STDs, obviously, and we are currently experiencing a pandemic!
After researching this topic, I came to the conclusion that monogamy is the best choice.
However, I also found out that polyamory and serial monogamy are not that different in terms of STDs. In fact, serial monogamists probably get even more STDs because they don’t use protection because they’re only with one person at a time.

By: David Oshman

David Oshman — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:34:01 +0000

What a great article. I’ve been struggling in a “monogamist” world knowing that there is a better, and more real, way for me to relate, develop and maintain relationships, and care and love. Here in New York, I often feel alone, and shunned. I date nice women, and as soon as they hear that I am a ploymorist, they flee! They are looking for their ONE AND ONLY! And assume that this requires surrender of options in other relationships. My first book, Avoiding Capture, deals indirectly with the ineffectiveness of classis paradigms in relationships. My newest book, “WRONG.”, will consider more of the efficacy and value of choosing our own relationship styles, and life-styles. I understand that many people need encouragement, and “permission”, to explore alternative choices. Spiritual anarchists unite! Let’s be different together!
-David Oshman, M.Ed.