In one workshop, Dr. Tammy Nelson, a therapist in New York, presented on “The New Monogamy” and gave a very competent talk that was neither pro nor anti polyamory. Tammy’s main point is that therapists have to be aware of the many different relationship styles people are involved in, and it is not for you, the therapist, to judge what is right or wrong about them. You have to meet the clients on their turf and listen to their reality. Poly relationships have the same issues other relationships have and it does not help your clients to deny their reality.

Tammy also mentioned a figure of 1.3% of the population involved in poly, although I don’t know where she got the figure. That’s about 4 million people!

She mentioned that it’s not for her, but she asked if anyone had a child in college, as she does, and told a story about visiting her child at school and being amazed at the attitude toward relationships. Her point is that in the younger generation monogamy is just one option of many.

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a mainstream therapist, sex educator and author and I have tremendous respect for her work and for her intellectual honesty. She did her homework and now feels much more comfortable working with poly folks who seek her services. She does not judge. She listens.

I also had the opportunity to be the room host for Dr. Esther Parel, author of Mating in Captivity, a very thoughtful book on the dilemmas in maintaining the heat in a long term relationship. Esther has been vilified for telling her truth – sometimes an affair is good for a marriage, sometimes not. Her presentation was about counseling people who are dealing with affairs or alternative sexualities and relationships. She had a truly fascinating case study showing how early childhood traumas affected a man in a relationship many years later, and how, by addressing the entirety of his experiences, he and his wife were able to forgive and grow and leave the past behind.

So, two out of two had realistic and helpful approaches toward polyamory, but, alas, they do not represent the mainstream therapist or marriage and family counselor.

My partner, Christiane, a psychotherapist herself, and no stranger to poly, attended a workshop on ethics, an all day event.

One of the scenarios the speaker presented concerned a woman in a long term, but ice cold marriage. She had built a close friendship with a man at work, and it was tending toward physical intimacy. Her special friend jokingly suggested that they stay together in the hotel the next time they were together at a conference; she knew there was more to it than just a joke and was more than intrigued by the prospect. So, she brings it up to her therapist, not a couples therapist, her personal therapist.

The participants were given three choices on the most ethical and useful way to respond: option one, ask the client what that would mean to her, what it says about her marriage, what does the friend offer that the husband does not; option two, if she goes ahead, what is the likely outcome, could she keep it confidential, is it a try-a-new-partner-out affair, or something else; option three, “Are you crazy? How could you possibly even think of cheating on your husband? That is not going to help anything”.

On a show of hands, option three had the overwhelming support of the 60 or so therapists present. In discussions, they could not imagine that there was any option other than go or leave, and certainly not polyamory. Chris asked if that was the best for the kids, if the couple could afford to split up, if there were not other options… The other therapists were incredulous and extremely judgmental – no way!

Well, two out of three is still not bad.

BTW, Last year I was the room host for Dr. Helen Fisher, author of many excellent books and an awesomely brilliant and beautiful woman for whom I hold a torch. I teased her a bit that her books tell us why it is practically inevitable for people to be attracted, powerfully, to someone other than their spouse or life partner, while she states, unequivocally on page 217 of her book, Why We Love, that polyamory doesn’t work. Perhaps it did not work for her, or for a close friend. SIgh.

My experience of polyamory and open relating has led me to the conclusion that I would never, ever want anything else. The personal rewards (for me and my partners) are too great, despite the challenges.

May we continue to work together to educate others about how allowing love to flow, and create its own forms, can become a foundation that enables a global healing that can benefit us all.

Peace & Love,

– Randy