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Can We Find Balance?

Photo by Robyn Trask, Big Sir California

Photo by Robyn Trask, Big Sir California

One of the most challenging things for people in polyamorous relationships is finding a balance in their life between relationships and responsibilities.  This can be especially challenging for those who have children, demanding careers and/or are activists working toward awareness and tolerance.  I often get the question how do you have time for everything?  And I find myself asking that question tonight.

Many poly folks find themselves with all of the above challenges and can end up burning out in exhaustion.  At times when the question comes up, I will laugh and tell people that heading up Loving More often means I do not have time for loving more.  It is funny and ironic and also true.  I know many people find this same thing to be true for them.

I believe much of this comes from our heritage and the over the top work ethic of the puritans.  One thing I noticed in traveling around the world that people in the US work more hours and are busier than many other cultures.  We speak the phrase “I’m busy” as almost a badge of honor or testament to our self importance.  We put love, pleasure, fun and the like on the bottom of the list and wonder why our relationships grow apart.

I am on a quest to make time for family, lovers and friends and to balance pleasure with work.  I want to take time and breathe in the moments spent with the people I love.  Time is precious and life passes quickly.   I want to strive to move beyond the “I’m too busy” to a place where love and pleasure are as much a priority as work and activism.  After all what are we working for but the freedom to enjoy the pleasure our relationships without judgment.

I am curious do others share this challenge of putting fun and pleasure last, after work, activism and other duties?

Loving More staff writer – Robyn Trask (38 Posts)

Robyn is the Executive Director of Loving More Non-Profit, a national leader for polyamory awareness, polyamory counselor, workshop facilitator and writer. Since 2004 Robyn has worked to expand media awareness of polyamory appearing in numerous articles, radio shows and TV. Robyn and Loving More were instrumental in the formation of Polyamory Leadership Network. A national speaker and advocate for polyamory she has been a speaker at conferences, taught at universities and been a featured keynote speaker. Robyn has been openly polyamorous for 23 years, raising three children in a polyamorous family. Robyn has been running polyamory support groups, teaching and facilitating relationship and sexuality workshop since 1999. In addition she counsels polyamorous individuals and families. Currently Robyn is working on two polyamory related books.


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Discussion

  1. LScribbens  January 29, 2010

    This is very true with me. With the current economy I am working two jobs and my wife works one, which leaves little time for my relationship with my wife much less adding any additional relationships. Trying to do so would leave even less time for my wife and would not be fair to my secondary relationships, either. So for now, I’m kind of laying low other than lovers I can see once in a while who don’t require the time and energy a full-blown polyamorous relationship does.

  2. Alan M.  January 29, 2010

    Well, old-fashioned Stoic that I am, I try to find fun and pleasure *in* work, activism, and duties. But I’ve learned to say “no” when the demands get out of balance.

    One of our household sayings is, “we can’t do everything.”

  3. Inferno  February 3, 2010

    With how busy the world has become and our current economy it is amazing that people have time for even casual relationships. Keeping ties with friends becomes a chore when you must work a lot and when not working you are worried about money/security.
    That is the position the average american is in…. It is a challenge for everybody. Not just those in polyamorous relationships.

  4. Jessica Karels  February 7, 2010

    My husband and I believe that it’s important to enjoy one’s “work”. Each of us is in a career that allows us to do what we’re good at and follow our passions. This means that going to work rejuvenates us rather than drains us. It has taken ~7 years of personal exploration, self-development, patience, and a little luck to get to the point where we’re at.

    As for time with my partners – the three of us are fairly independent, and we get satisfaction out of simply being in the same room with each other, doing our own thing – and then talking about our various endeavors/projects/classes over a shared meal afterwards. Each of our respective activities (activism/research for me, World of Warcraft for Corey, and WoW & school for Dale) are like “secondaries” in our relationship. Seeing our partners happy with what they’re focused on makes the rest of us happy.

    As for trying to get other stuff done – we stick to doing things that we like to do or are inspired to do, and delegating the rest. Sometimes we’ll resort to bartering (or outright paying) others to the stuff that we either don’t have time or aren’t passionate about doing.

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