By Mystic Life
I have learned that polyamory can be used to dissolve the ego, or enhance it. Similar to how nuclear technology can be used to either power a city or destroy it, the poly path can be utilized to bring us closer to peace, or create endless suffering through multiple attachments. In other words, we can let go of controlling others, or we can create multiple relationships in which we are dependent upon the actions of our lovers to feel good about ourselves.
When I first began my polyamorous journey, it felt incredibly liberating to be free of the constraints of monogamy, which had never worked very well for me. As a freshly-minted rebel I wanted everyone to be polyamorous, and would denounce the “evils” of possession and control inherent in monogamous and polyfidelitous relationships. This came largely from my ego since my insecure mind needed to convince others to be as I wanted them to be in order to feel more secure (and because I wanted to have more potential partners). It was ultimately an endeavor of needy proselytizing.
Years later, I then explored polyfidelity myself. As is often the case with judgments, the universe seems to give us the opportunity to become what we judge so that we may develop empathy. Over the course of seven years of polyfidelity, I learned to set aside my judgments of both polyfidelitous and monogamous relationships. My perception matured, and I came to understand that every form of love we experience is always customized for the lessons we need at that time. As our lessons change, the form of love to which we feel drawn to explore will most likely change as well.
Recently, this desire to change once again arose in my life. One morning, I awoke after about four hours of sleep, and receptively listened to my inner guidance for about two hours. I realized that it was time to let go of attachment to what form love would take in my life, and release my interest in polyfidelity. I understood that to enhance my spiritual lessons, I had to cease my quest for something secure because ultimately there is nothing we can grasp in life without creating suffering.
Of course, either monogamy or polyfidelity may occur without clinging. Such forms of love can be arrangements that simply work for those who are involved without limitations being placed upon others. Yet what I realized during my recent revelation is that for myself, the desire for a secure form of love was keeping me in a place of subtle discomfort. I knew that my challenge was to completely release control of what others (and myself) might choose to do in the realm of intimacy. In life, fears and uncertainty can cause us to crave something to hold on to, to give us the illusion of predictability. In the realm of intimacy, however, this is what often destroys love. So to diminish my ego as much as possible, I realized it was time to return to my original open approach to polyamory, but without the judgment or superior attitude I once held.
Part of my draw to polyfidelity, albeit mostly unconscious, was to limit my contact with men. Growing up without compassionate male role models, as well as having faced challenges with metamours (partners’ partners) during my earlier poly experiences, made it tempting to desire a triad that would have an imaginary protective boundary around it. However, part of my recent inner guidance was that the world will not heal without a diminished degree of competition in the realm of unhealthy yang dynamics, and that vulnerability and emotional healing with metamours could be viewed as an opportunity as opposed to a burden.
Additionally, although this may change in the future, I don’t see myself as desiring a “primary” partner. I once heard a perspective from the spiritual teacher Mellon-Thomas Benedict, a man who had died for a short period of time, but came back to life with many insights. In essence, he stated that we are our own soulmate, and those we love throughout our life are “playmates” from whom we learn lessons in order to better know who we are.
I certainly can understand the desire to find “the one.” Throughout our lives we’ve been bombarded with images and stories in the media which convey that this is the only real endeavor that can possibly bring comfort. Yet I sense that I have a different purpose. My deepest satisfaction comes from learning to be at peace with whatever form life is taking. If I’m alone, I can be content. If I have one lover, I can allow her to be “one, in this moment” without needing her to be “one, eternally.” And if I have more than one lover, I don’t need to rate them in terms of importance. I can love them differently, yet equally, similar to how a conscious parent with two children does not need to have a “primary” and “secondary” child.
I am letting go of my attachment to form, and there is a deep feeling of trust beneath this release. I’ve spent a great deal of time by myself for nearly two years, becoming more comfortable in my own skin, and I believe this has helped me form a launching pad from which I can venture into the unknown spaciousness of love. As many of us who have been guided to polyamory know on some level, letting go of society’s rigid rules about what love must look like can create an entirely new way of being on Earth.
Is our inability to have anyone or anything to “hold on to” scary sometimes? Absolutely…until there is a complete surrender to life.